And They Lived Happily Ever After
by Maiden of the Moon
Summary: Prisoners, towers, witches, really long hair, and a lot of shampoo... all relatively normal occurrences. But seriously, what sort of fairytale begins with ‘And they lived happily ever after? This one. The story of Rapunzel will never be the same again.
1. I Need a Thesaurus

_Disclaimer: Ha! Don't make me laugh! (Whoops, too late. . .)_

Author's Note: Quite honestly, I'm afraid of the reviews I'll be getting for this one. . . (sweat drop)

Heehee. Anyway, this is. . . Well, really just spontaneous stupidity. I'm not writing an outline for it, meaning its length is a mystery to me as well as you, and any detail-y questions will probably result in long, blank stares. **But that's OKAY! **Because you've all heard the story of Rapunzel before and pretty much know what's gonna happen anyway! XD 

_So, on that note, let's begin- before I conk out over the keyboard from fatigue. (Yes, it's late. . .uggggh. . .) XD_

**XXXXXXXXX**

And they lived happily ever after.

. . . Well, they did. What do you mean, that spoils the story? You already knew they would, didn't you? Didn't the title and the summary _sort of_ give that "little secret" away? It's not like you were expecting them to be dramatically killed, were you? Because if you were, sorry to say, this isn't the story you want to be reading. Instead, kindly click the back button and immerse yourself in your futile plans for world domination. Or eat a cookie. Your choice.

Anyway, despite the fact that you know they live happily ever after, you probably want to know what happens before that, don't you?

Oh fine. . .

**X**

He had always considered his mother to be insanely stupid. Not just stupid, INSANELY stupid. The kind that you'd want to call child support on, simply because she was obviously inadequate to be dealing in any sort of parental activities. And he didn't say this without good reason. _He had his reasons_- oh, he HAD his reasons. . .

One, she had named him Chrono. Which, come on- what sort of a name was that? A stupid one, that was what. Seriously, what on earth was in **her **system when that concoction of letters had crossed her mind? All the other kids at school had NORMAL names like Bill and Ted and Bob- but OOOOOOH NO. _No Bob for him!_ He was CHRONO- the one who would need massive physiatrist therapy before he was thirty to try and correct all of the problems that had resulted from this celebrity-like name without the money or the fame. What else could be said about it? It was sort of like "chrome" with a "no". No chrome. Chrono.

. . . Or not. He had long since given up trying to find any rhyme or reason behind it.

Then there was also this _thing _his mum had with greenery, which, in Chrono's eyes, tottered dangerously on the line of obsessive ness. Every day she'd sit at her bedroom window and just STARE into their neighbor's garden- which in and of itself was rude and strange enough- but then she had to start stealing food from that witch's garden and. . . Well. . . That just lead to the _worst _thing she'd done. (Yes, she **had **done something even worse to him then naming him Chrono, if that was believable.)

She had SOLD him. She had promised him away before he was even born just to nab a bit of leaf! He half wished that leaf HAD been some sort of illegal drug (which was what sounded implied), because at least then he'd have known he'd had _some _worth to her. But no. . . all HIS weight amounted to in gold in her eyes was a couple of shillings for parsley. Or whatever the hell she had dug out of the neighbor's garden.

Yes, his mother had been a bit screwy in the head. Maybe she was suffering still from her _own _whacked out parents, who had seen it fit to name her Pandemonia. But that still gave her no excuse to screw up HIS life, in his professional opinion.

Still, no matter how bad the above was, his real pet peeve was her ignorance. Hadn't it might have occurred to her that maybe- JUUUUUST MAYBE- he'd have appreciated some sort of warning or prelude to the whole selling-his-soul-for-spinach thing? He hadn't greatly enjoyed the experience of suddenly being plucked off the sidewalk on his way to school, knocked out, and dumped into a rickety old car- just to be whisked away to some doorless tower. To make it worse, it had been show and tell day! He wanted to display his button collection. . .

But speaking of that doorless tower- now that he thought of it- how in Hades' name had they gotten up it the first time, if there was no door? Did the witch have unusually powerful legs for jumping fifty-some feet straight up into the air, grab the only window ledge- and pull herself in with a teen boy slung over her shoulder? Doubtful. Veeeeeeery doubtful. So he was sure that there was a door somewhere- he just wasn't sure where. It wasn't for lack of trying to discover its location- he'd looked in every nook and cranny, underneath every rug, and behind every painting in the little apartment multiple times- there just simply wasn't anything of interest to be found. Unless you were fond of dust bunnies. No, the only way he'd ever find that door, he feared, was if his witch "friend" told him- but seeing as how she'd gone through all the trouble of capturing him in the first place, that was as likely to happen as a. . . a. . . not. . . very. . .likely. . . thing.

". . ." Chrono frowned, slouching over the windowsill as he cushioned his chin with his arms. 'I need a thesaurus.'

Sighing listlessly, the young teen raked a small hand through his violet bangs, ruby colored eyes blankly watching the ice-cream cloud float through the bright blue heavens. 'Maybe it's just as well that Satella won't let me go,' he reasoned flatly. 'It's not like I have anywhere to run to. I've been missing from school for so long, they wouldn't even recognize me. And mother. . .

Let's not start talking about mother again.'

He- and his thoughts- fell silent; simply observing his increasingly boring world.

The sun shone in the sky above him. The grass and trees and daffodils swayed in the breeze below him. A bird flew smack into the brick tower and died instantly just to the left of him. In fact. . .

'About 78 degrees above my sill, if I imagine a large circle with an area of pi-r-squared encasing my windo-' 

He paused, blinking as the mathematical musing crossed his mind. Now he was starting to scare himself.

And so, with nothing better to do- but not yet ready to resort to doing complex geometric equations for 'fun'- Chrono began singing the only song he knew- "The Song that Never Ends".

**XXXXXXXXX**

_Yatta- next chapter we meet Rosette! And Satella! . . . I think. As I said, this one isn't pre-planed, so I'd be very grateful for any ideas you guys would like to throw in! XD_

Well, hope you enjoyed! Please RR! Jaaaaaa! 


	2. A Whole New Level of Suckery

_Disclaimer: Chrono's my Valentine! (blushes like Satella) _

_Author's Note: Hey hey! Thankies SO MUCH for all the lovely reviews! XD They made me so happy! Chocolates for everyone! (Especially thechickenlittle! I'm glad I was able to cheer you up, 'cause you rock! (: ) _

_Anyway, two quick things to be addressed- _

_Kitsune-firedragon asked a very good question/made a good statement: "Doesn't Chrono mean time in Italian?" _

In response: Yes, I have heard that. I've also heard that Chrono was the name of some country's god of time. But- I don't know for sure. It would make sense, going along with the series, and would explain why his name is spelt in katakana. . . The only point I was making with the first chapter was unless you're a big Chrono Crusade fan or speak fluent Italian, the name is sort of. . . Well. . . Weird, you know? (sweat drop) XD Thankies for making that point, though- I'm glad someone brought it up!

_Two, huggles to everyone who put in ideas! Heehee. . . I appreciate it and will attempt to use them all! I actually have some evil plans for this fic (one idea in particular will be a hell of a good time, mwahaha), but in these beginning stages I'm pretty much playing by ear. As I said in chapter one. And will probably continue to say until you all wish to kill me. Yea! _

With that said, here we go to chapter two! (blows a noisemaker)

**XXXXXXXXX**

Being a princess sucked. Really sucked. Sucked very suckily. In fact, the position in and of itself created a whole new level of suckery. It sucked in Technicolor- with surround sound and everything. And not **only** did it suck-

But Princess Rosette Christopher hated it. She loathed the whole job description with every fiber of her sixteen-year-old being. On a chart of all the things in the world that she hated (of which there were quite a few), being a princess was second-to-last, outranked only by the dreaded princess LESSONS. (And, perhaps, worms.)

Yes, princess lessons were horrible. And the only thing that made them worse was the fact that she **was **a princess- which, as was previously stated, she found sucky. So it was like multiplying the worst evil in the world with the just-barely-second-place evil of the world. And that created a hell on earth. Or a double hell, if she was to keep up with the theme she had started.

Seriously, why did she need to know how to curtsy? How to properly scream for help? Did it really matter which hanky she blew her nose in, and which one she rewarded knights with? For all she cared, they could take her snotty Kleenex and go drown in their shining white armor. She had no need for men! In fact- she hated them! She hated every single one of them so much, that if all men died that very instant she wouldn't have given it a thought.

In fact, if all men _did _die that very instant, perhaps she wouldn't need to be a princess anymore! The world would need princes, and- being of royal blood- she would happily fill in the position. After all, princes got to do _fun _stuff- like hunt and swim and fight! Oh, how she longed to do those things! Her brother, Joshua, tried to assure her that princely duties weren't really all that they were cracked up to be, and that he wouldn't say no to sitting around indoors for a while to do some of her stitching, but when she'd offered to trade for a day he'd quickly excused himself from the dinner table in order to bolt his door shut. 'Yeah,' Rosette grumbled at the memory, 'thanks a lot, Joshua. I owe you one.'

And she did- a big, painful one. For, ironically, it had been that little scenario that had pushed poor Princess Rosette over the deep end- resulting in her not-very-subtle run from home (meaning that she'd stood on the room and screamed that she was leaving at the top of her lungs until random pedestrians began throwing rotten food at her). She had stalked off, not really caring who saw her or where she ended up.

Which, in retrospect, probably hadn't been the best plan to go by.

So anyway, that was how she had found herself helplessly lost in the woods; adorned in the frilly pink dress that she abhorred- the one that stuck out about three meters from each hip- that ridiculous cone-shaped hat- that kept getting caught in the trees- and the glass slippers her parents always forced her to wear. They seemed to have been hopping that Cinderella's fortune with men would rub off on her. But alas, despite the fact that she'd lost one or both of the things quite frequently (though, admittedly, ninety percent of the time she did that on purpose), no prince had ever stepped foreword to ask her hand in marriage. (To _her _great pleasure and to her _mother and father's _great woe. Ever since that pea-and-the-mattresses incident, no male seemed to want to get close to her. Or perhaps they were cautious because of the poisoned-apples accident? Oh, whatever.)

But going back to those spiteful shoes, it seemed, unfortunately, that not even Cindy's general good luck had penetrated her thick skin. She could feel those worthless slippers spider webbing dangerously as she walked; almost at their breaking point.

"Dammit," Rosette cursed, flopping down on a nearby log and- in the process- almost squashing a frog prince. The ugly little toad made a disgruntled sound in the back of his throat before hopping slimily off, almost colliding with three blind mice as he went. 'Great,' she couldn't help but muse darkly, kicking off the breaking glass slippers (which, in her opinion, had always seemed a rather dangerous thing to wear anyway). 'Even the princes of the reptile variety hate me. Oh well. Not that it matters- because I hate them back!'

And thus the circle of detestation was complete.

That thought complete, the girl enthusiastically pealed off her hat and dress; leaving them on the log next to the shoes. After all, they were more of a hindrance than a help; her undershirt and pantaloons were more comfortable; and there was no one around to see her! She could prance about stark naked with a mold of jell-o on her head and no one would ever be able to blackmail her. Which was a refreshing change.

Taking a deep breath of the sweet fresh air, Rosette began walking again; a little more careful to keep on the soft dirt trail, but at the same time feeling more free than she ever had before.

'Now. . .' she mused as the road diverged in the yellow wood, 'which path shall I travel?'

Taking a look to the left and a look to the right, she shrugged-

And walked straight down the middle.

**X**

"Look," Chrono sighed impatiently- and loudly, leaning out over his windowsill and calling down at the blonde man bellow, "I don't think you get it! I'm not interested in you- nor am I a damsel in distress! I think someone gave you the wrong directions!"

"Impossible!" the prince/knight/rescuer/person retorted in a really bad imitation of a British accent, cupping his hands over his mouth in order to be heard. "This must be the opening to the Land of Fairies! Aren't you Rainbow Brite?"

". . . No."

"_**YOU LIE**_!"

Chrono's left eye gave an unnatural twitch. "Look, Mr. Remington. I think- if you check your map again- you'll find you made a wrong turn somewhere. There's a road that diverges in a yellow wood back a ways- maybe you took the wrong path."

Though he seemed doubtful, the young man in the clunky gray armor did as he was told, gasping in theatrical surprise when he realized that- yes indeed- he'd been holding the map upside down the whole time. Astounding how these things happen, isn't it?

"By George, you're right!" Remington cried, beaming a thousand-watt smile up at Chrono. "My apologies. But before I go, are you sure you don't want me to rescue you?"

"I think you'd wind up killing yourself if you tried. . ." the violet locked one muttered under his breath. Moments before, he'd had a front-row seat for this Remington's "knightly abilities"- which seemed to end at his collapsing under the weight of his rusting sword. It would take an elevator to get this guy safely up to his window- and even then he'd probably end up breaking the thing from the inside. (Though if he had an elevator, Chrono probably would have left before this idiot showed up in the first place.)

"Pardon?"

The teen faltered, face flushed at his rudeness almost being caught. "Er- I mean- the truth shall set you free!"

The knight saluted his affirmative agreement, and then marched off humming the Pizza Hut song. Chrono would be lying to say that he wasn't glad to see him go, but all the same he was going to miss the company. . .

No matter how dull-witted the company may have been. Beggars couldn't be choosers, wasn't that right?

. . . Well, they could, but they'd starve. And that wasn't a very pleasant alternative, was it?

Nevertheless, it didn't really matter, because that Remington guy was already long gone (in mores ways than one, evidently). Meaning Chrono was alone. Again. But probably not for long. After all, there were the butterflies and the song birds and the furry little bunny rabbits and the paparazzi- who seemed to enjoy showing up every so often to bombard a passing prince or princess- to keep him company.

And he had his sock puppet.

However, even _he _had to admit that talking to a sock puppet was too much. He may as well start chatting with a volleyball. . . If he had a volleyball. . . Which he didn't, so the whole thought was sort of redundant. But without redundancy he got bored. 'I need a life. And someone sane to talk to.

. . . And a thesaurus. I still need that thesaurus.'

". . ." He waited a moment, eyes towards the sky. '. . ._Well_?' he then inquired impatiently, cocking an eyebrow.

Nothing. Guess God was a bit busy at the moment- which meaning no life, friend, or thesaurus for him right now. 'Curses. What else is there to do?

. . .'

"This is the song that never ends. . . It just goes on and on my friends," Chrono began humming, eyes half lidded from boredom as the weight of his hair and the warmth of the summer sun made his head flop into his palms. Growing. . . Sleepy. . . "Some people started singing it not knowing what it was. . ."

**XXXXXXXXX**

_A lot of allusions in this chapter. In fact, so many that I lost count! (Maybe I should go back and recount, ne? Ah well.) Anyway, credit to Robert Frost for the a-road-diverged-in-a-yellow-wood part, credit to all those people who created the fairytale characters I bashed, credtt to whoever made Rainbow Brite, credit to the makers of the Pizza Hut song, credit to Cast Away, which I have never seen, but if I understand correctly someone spends a lot of time talking to a volleyball in it, and credit to- uh- gosh, I forgot the series. Oh, yes! Everworld! Credit to the Everworld series, which I have never read, but my mom told me about the 'sucking in Technicolor' bit and I just had to expand upon it. XD Think that's about it! _

_Anyway, next chapter Chrono and Rosette meet! And maybe then we'll meet Satella. I dunno. She'll come soon. And yes- to answer everyone's question- Aion will make an appearance, I promise. Maybe two, if you're all good boys and girls. Heehee. XD  
_

_Hope y'all enjoyed! Please RR? As a b-day gift? My birthday's this Monday! XD So please? Yea! Thankies! Ja ne!_


	3. Koalas and Lawsuits

_Disclaimer: Chrono's MY rampant sex monkey! I only _share _him with Rosette. . . And I'm a liar, too. (-; _

_Author's Note: First, my apology to kitsune-firedragon- I meant to say 'Latin'. Somehow it just came out _

'_Italian'. (sweat drop) Did I ever mention that I write these chapters at, like, one in the morning? Heh heh. . . Ugh. . ._

_XD Anyway, yea! Here I am! I'm actually really enjoying updating this fic because it has no plot whatsoever, which means I can just have fun with it! And oooh, am I having fun. . . And it'll just get more fun as Rosette and Chrono grow closer! (Innuendo is my friend. . . XD XD XD) _

_Well, that said, let's get this show on the road!  
_

**XXXXXXXXX**

"Joshua-sama. . . ?"

"Eh?" The boy turned happily from the glowing box on his right, where he was cheerfully turning dials. "Oh, Fiore!" he chirped perkily upon recognition of the quiet maid. "Lovely- I can't wait to show you! Lookit this!" Adjusting his head- which, for some unexplainable, birth-defect of a reason, was adorned in a pair of twin horns- he began flipping the switches on his TV again. "I get over 700 channels!"

". . . That's wonderful, Joshua-sama," she congratulated, expression rather flat. "However, I must interrupt this. . . fun. . . to inform you that your sister is missing. She was last seen stalking off towards the woods. . . And she hasn't returned since."

Joshua chuckled, twisting his body until his face was underneath a propped leg, one arm above his head and the other underneath his planted foot. "So she ran away, did she? No matter. I'm sure she's fine. My big sister is quite the litt- hey! Look! Another twenty channels! HAHA- No more outrageous Roadrunner charges for me! Boo yeah!"

". . . Most excellent, sir." Fiore bowed low, about to leave- before noticing that he'd somehow managed to pick up a Bulgarian soap opera. Hmm. . . Sitting delicately on the edge of a chair, she began to watch the program with her master. "Most excellent indeed."

**X**

'Damn, it's cold.' Shivering as the afternoon sky began to dye itself shades of indigo and navy, Rosette half-heartedly wished she hadn't left her ugly dress on that old stump. She may have been picky, but she wasn't stupid- looking dumb wasn't as awful as freezing to death. With a mind-blowing sneeze, the princess had to grab hold of a branch to keep herself from toppling over. 'Double dammit,' she sniffed, berating herself for not bringing along a hanky. She really needed one, now. . . Gross.

Sighing loudly, she started rapidly rubbing her exposed forearms- hiking through the freshly mowed clearing in hopes of finding a resting place. Anything would do- she'd even take a dragon-infested cave at this point. At least being lit on fire would keep her toasty. . . 'Since when did summer nights get so frigid?' she couldn't help but wonder. 'Someone must be out to get me. . .'

Another sneeze.

'Someone's talking behind my back, as well. . .' Teeth chattering, she secretly hopped it was her family. Maybe by now they'd be out looking for her? Or at least a little worried. . . ? Perhaps. . . ?

**X**

"So, Viktor is actually married to Nema- who is his third ex's cousin's brother's sister's fiancé's best friend, but is fooling around with Carmen- who's an FBI agent in disguise and is really after Shvin- but is also secretly engaged to Alexandria, who's pregnant with Juan's twins- one of whom is blind, the other deaf- while still dealing with her secret brushing of breast cancer as her mother dies a slow and painful death from a mysterious bout of the bubonic plague."

"I see. . ." Joshua pursed his lips, munching on some popcorn while still holding his strange position. "And you got all this. . . ?"

"From the first three minutes and forty two seconds, Joshua-sama," Fiore murmured, taking another sip of her coffee.

"Fascinating. . ."

**X**

. . . Or perhaps not. Knowing her family, anyway.

"This is just my luck. . ." Rosette grumbled, a few frustrated tears stinging the corners of her eyes. "Of all the lousy days to get cold weather. . . Or, should I say, of all the lousy days to run aw- OW! SHIT!"

Hissing loudly in sudden shock and pain, the princess reared back angrily- not having noticed the huge, cylindrical tower until she'd run smack into it (Until her nose and the brick met, anyway). Talk about lost in thought. . . "Oi!" she roared, pounding on the hard stone with a frosted fist, sniffling. "This is a lawsuit waiting to happen, you know!"

Nothing.

"Yo!"

Still nothing.

A vein throbbed on Rosette's forehead. "_THAT WAS YOUR CUE, IDIOT!_"

"Wha. . . ?" A sleepy voice yawned from over fifty feet above her- a boy, by the sound of it. Odd. Weren't **girls **usually the targets of those evil, tower-entrapping fairies? Whatever. (Maybe she'd misread the script.) "Huh? Oh yeah. . . Who's ther?" _Crash_! "Crap! Oh- hold on a minute! Stupid koala. . ."

Rosette waited, mildly surprise, as some dull shuffling echoed from the depths of the building. 'Wow, I found an idiot. . . . In a tower. . . In the heart of the Forest of Nowhere. . . In the middle of the night. How. . . Cliché. The authoress of this story must be **so **pleased with herself. Creative writing my a-'

_A soft shattering reverberated through the world as the fourth wall suffered some breakage, but the authoress managed to patch it up before any rabid fan girls could attack. "Leave the fourth wall alone!" the authoress yelled at the Chrono Crusade cast, shaking a frustrated fist in a random direction. "My insurance won't cover it and I already have plans for this month's allowance!" With a snap of her fingers, the story continued. . . _

After a few moments, a small glowing flickered into existence; a single candle, resting on the only windowsill of the whole building. There wasn't enough light to see who or what the castle (of sorts) was hiding- but the miniscule beam was sufficient when it came to telling her which direction she should complain. Magnificent.

"Ahem- all right then," the boy blew out his cheeks, dusting off his hands. "Who's down there? I know you're still there- I can hear your teeth chattering. Cold?"

"Freezing, actua- Hey!" Rosette snapped, face flushing. "That's just rude!"

"No," he retorted, sounding mildly amused- but mostly annoyed. "What's rude is waking me up in the middle of the night to yell about lawsuits. Couldn't you see the tower while you were walking? It's kinda large, you know. Perhaps you just need glasses."

"It's pitch black out here!" the princess argued. "I can't see my hand in front of my face! How was I supposed to see your damn brick-thingy!"

Silence.

". . . Brick-thingy. . . ?"

"Yeah!" she snarled, so enraged that she didn't realize how stupid she sounded. Believe it or not, that happened a lot with Rosette. "And another thing! Don't yell at the person who's gonna sue ya! You'll just be out of even more money, in the end!"

"But I don't have any money to begin with," the voice replied lightly. "If I did, I wouldn't be using _one candle_, would I? And I wouldn't be suffering with satellite either, that's for sure. . ." He trailed off, ending in a quite grumble.

Rosette considered this, a harsh wind blasting through. The candle went out.

". . . Oh, applesauce." A sigh. "Gotta go get another match. . ."

"Wait!" the princess called a bit desperately, not wanting to admit it but afraid of being left alone in the cold. Well, more alone than she already was, anyway. "I'll make you a deal!"

The rustling of the boy's clothing stopped.

"If- if you let me up there," Rosette began, not quite sure where she was going with this, but too cold to care, "I won't sue you!"

"I wouldn't care if you did," he returned a bit flatly. "Remember? No money? All I have to give is my sock puppet. His name is Ralph, and if you steal him, he won't like you. Even IF you give him jellybeans."

. . . Right. . . Someone was suffering from cabin- pardon- tower fever, weren't they?

"Look, you can keep your dumb puppet if you just let me in! Please!" she all but begged, performing the distant cousin of the 'I gotta pee!' dance: the 'I'm freezing, so let me in you heartless bastard!' jig. In fact, she was hopping up and down so loudly, the sound traveled easily up to the tower's small apartment.

And in that apartment, Chrono sighed. 'Man. . .' he pouted. 'I don't wanna let some rabid royalty-seeker in here! He'll just go on and on about his stupid plans and stories. . . I can't stand another fairytale!' But he knew in his heart he couldn't just let the idiot freeze. . . Even if he _was _almost more annoying then that Remington guy. (And, frighteningly, even more feminine. He hadn't thought it was possible for a knight to have such a high-pitched voice!)

"Oh. . . All right. . ."

As the words flew from the window like a whisper, Rosette perked up- feeling warmer instantaneously. "Really! Thank you!"

Racing foreword, (and smashing right into the wall once more,) the girl began frantically groping for the door-

Only to find her hand connect with a warm, silky rope. At least, she assumed it was rope. . . But since when had ropes been made from such soft material? And when had they begun to smell like apple blossoms. . . ? She gave it a sharp tug. It seemed authentic enough. . . Though why the guy above her had yelped at her touch, she had no idea. 'Weirdo.' ". . . I suppose using the front way is asking too much?"

"Yes," the impatient boy's voice answered simply, though he sounded strained. "So you gonna climb up or wait there all night?"

"Gimmie a minute!" Rosette retorted, bracing her feet against the brick and beginning the long walk up the side of the wall, using the rope to pull her. She was suddenly glad she couldn't see anything- if she could, the height probably would her frightened her half to death. "Geez. . ."

"Eurgh. . . _ow!_. . . Erk!" The sound effects continued, doubling in volume every time she repositioned herself or pulled particularly hard on the rope. It was a bit irritating, but at least the noises let her know how close she was to the top. Just a little bit further. . . "OUCH! Hey, watch it, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't be such a crybaby!" Rosette admonished, taking the final few steps. "I mean, it's not like the rope is- connected to- to your. . . your . . ." She froze in shock as her fingers clenched around something quite obviously not a rope of any kind- it was a scalp. HIS scalp.

And that wasn't all. Connected to that face- hovering mere centimeters from her own sapphire eyes- were a pair of ruby pools- widening when a stray beam of moonlight, as if on cue, managed to break through the clouds. Their noses brushed. Rosette's mouth went dry, realizing that she was gripping the boy's head quite tightly, pulling it towards her own; his chin tilted upward to lock gazes, but his face nestled between her breasts. As her fingers laced themselves more firmly in his violet locks, his own hands clenched the white material covering the back of her thighs; trying to keep her from falling.

". . ."

Faces flushed. Both gulped.

Blink blink.

"Um. . . H-hi?" the boy offered, seemingly shocked by the. . . _developments_. . . of the situation. 'Guess this. . . er. . . explains why the "knight" had such a feminine voice. . .' Irony was either his best friend or worst enemy. In this case, he couldn't decide which.

The girl did not react right away; she seemed to have reached a state of horrifyingly embarrassing alarm. "I-I just- you- in my- **_EEEEEEEEK!_**"

Screeching loud enough to wake a town, Rosette made to push rapidly away from the stranger- only to remember that she had no where to go but down. Her stomach dropped, and (thanks to the law that even criminals must obey) she began to quickly follow suit. "_EEEEEEEEEE_- eh?"

With a breathless gasp, watching her feet dangle in (what appeared to be) an endless black vortex, Rosette pulled a second slow blink; turned her face upward. "Ah. . . . ?" The boy had instinctively grabbed her hand and was yanking her gradually upward; face strained, claw-like nails digging into her palm. His assistance wasn't very graceful, granted (he'd already cracked her skull against the stone a few times in the last few seconds), but it was better to suffer a few bruises than a broken neck.

. . . Gee, she'd been having to deal with the lesser of the two evils a lot lately, hadn't she? Oh well. Life's a bitch until you die. And she wasn't in the mood to die yet. . .

"Oi!" he grounded out through clenched teeth, managing to heave her painfully over the edge of the window. Positioning the girl on the sill so that she was in a slight crouch, Chrono used one hand to keep her steady and the other to gently tap her nose in reprimand. "I won't be having any _more _lawsuits against my home, all right? Please restrain from any more fal-"

Panting, Rosette barely managed to nod before falling unceremoniously foreword- almost crushing the yelping Chrono underneath her dead weight. Which was actually a good strategy to keep him from being difficult- after all, it's hard to make a struggle when the wind has been knocked out of your lungs. He attempted to worm away for a few moments- managing to yank a couple of meters of his braid back inside in the process- but eventually surrendered; allowing her head to rest against his toned chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. He sighed, able to feel the girl's frozen flesh through her flimsy underclothes.

. . . Underclothes. The boy's red eyes twitched. 'Oh my God, I'm lying on the ground with a half-naked girl who I've never met before!' Now, if only he could decide if this was a good or bad thing, he'd be set. 'Stupid authoress and her fan service pleas. . .'

_The fourth wall shattered for a second time, much to the tightwad-of-an-authoress's exasperation (janitorial bills are a pain), and resulted in her announcing that the next person to harm the wall would have to accompany Aion, in Rosette's princess dress, to the nearest gay bar. All characters freaked out and began to behave, much to Aion's not-so-secret disappointment. With that, the authoress un-inserted herself from the plot, knowing that no one cared about her- they just wanted to read the story. So, once again, she decreed that the fic should continue. . . _

". . . So. . ." Chrono began suddenly, eyes lidded, an exhausted yawn escaped him. Hulling a one hundred fifty some pound girl from almost certain doom was no easy task, after all. "What's your name, oh-elegant-one?"

". . .Rosette," she muttered, voice muffled as she snuggled closer. 'Still. . . so. . . cold. . .' "And you know what. . . ?"

"What?"

"I think. . . I hate you." With that, Rosette did the most princessy-thing she could- fainted.

And that was how it all began.

**X**

"_Woo! This chapter- _(Crash!)- _is done!" Aion giggled, huggling his favorite stuffed koala. "Does this mean coffee and doughnuts in the studio lounge?" _

"Uh, **no**," the authoress drawled dryly, crossing her arms. "All of the money for treats went to fixing the fourth wall that you idiots kept shatteri-" Double crash!_ ". . . Dammit." _

"Oh well, doesn't matter," Azmaria hummed, cheerful as ever. "Rosette and Chrono wouldn't be able to join us, anyway."

"What? Why?" the authoress blinked, taken aback. "Chrono has an autograph session with the readers of this story after this! I promised them all a shirtless photo shoot! Where are they?"

"I dunno," the apostle girl shrugged, innocently smiling. "But they grabbed a whole lot of whipped cream before they left. And strawberries! And I think I saw Rosette with a pair of handcuffs. . ."

Silence.

Azmaria cocked her head. "Uh. . . What's wrong? Why are your faces all so red?"

_  
"Erm. . . Az. . ."_

_  
"Eeee! Bondage!" Aion interrupted with a squeal, skipping off to find the exorcists; ripping off his shirt as he went. "I want in, I want in!" _

"_. . . Um. . . What. . . ?" _

". . . Never mind Azmaria. Never mind."

**XXXXXXXXX**

_Wow, that was random. I just hope it wasn't as stupid as I'm sure it must have been! ((sweat drop) Did that make any sense?) Anyway, I know I'll have mentions of OCCness for the chapter, so let's clear this up right away: _

Because it was so dark, Chrono didn't realize he wasn't dealing with another knight. (Sure, Rosette has a girly voice, but so do a lot of the other pretty boys.) So, out of irritation, he was a bit ruder than usual. (Can't blame him really, after having to deal with people like Knight Remington on a regular basis, ne:) )

_Rosette fainted. Yes, that's not very Rosette-y, but she just almost fell fifty feet. And suffered the traumatizing experience of having Chrono squished between her. . . yeah. And she was already really cold. Stress does fun-fun things to you, ya know? So anyway, I thought her fainting was rather appropriate. _

_Also, for anyone who doesn't know, the fourth wall is the invisible barrier that keeps the author/authoress and the readers away from the characters. Kinda like a gate between the "god" and the "pawns". (wink)_

_Finally, credit to the zillion and one cliches I used in this fic- Aion cross dressing/being gay, all the fairytale regularities, etc. Couldn't help it. ;)_

_That all said, next chapter should be up relatively soon. Still, no Satella, but she will be coming round the mountain! And things will be funnier next chapter. I hope. Maybe. XD _

Please RR! Ja ne!

_(PS. Ooo, and a short, shameless plug- if you're interested in either romance/angst or romance/general Chrono/Rosette goodness, please take a minute to read my quick-fics 'Fly With Me' and 'Dancing with Hellfire'? Thanks so much! I love you all! XD)_


	4. Cheap Flashbacks and More Breakage

_Disclaimer: Mmm, Chrono with whipped cream and strawberries. . . Mwahaa. . . . _

_Author's Note: Hellooooo, loves! And how are we all today? I'm quite happy (despite the fact that I have a huge geometry test tomorrow, an even larger government test the following day, and a research speech I need to write) because thechickenlittle-sama updated! XD Woooooooo! I ADORE _Demons and Love_. Read it if you don't already! (I can't WAIT to find out what happens next! XD) _

_Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it! (hearts glitter stars) :) This chapter is dedicated to all of you, and to everyone who took the time to read and review my new collection of Chrono Crusade ficlets, Ticks of the Clock. Why? Because I appreciate their reviews, too, and. . . Because. . . I. . . Feel like it. . . ? (sweat drops)_

Oh, whatever.

Well, please enjoy! XD

**XXXXXXXXX**

The next morning, if possible, was even more awkward than the night before. The following contributed to the fact:

A) Rosette had made herself quite comfortable on top of Chrono, her only source of warmth. . .

B) Chrono had made himself _equally _comfortable by using Rosette as his make-shift sock puppet. . .

C) The two previous details had resulted in them sort of twisting together. . . Like a Twizler, if you will. . .

And

D) Rosette's undergarments, which had been icy and frozen the night before, had melted. Making the clothing itself quite wet.

Was it mentioned that her underwear was white?

Ergo, when Chrono was brought back to the world of the living it was not, per usual, by the chirping of birds. Instead, it was to the threatening screams of a spluttering princess.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MEEEEEE!" she bellowed, attempting helplessly to untangle her legs from the boy's. She gave a frantic wiggle, jostling the violet haired male completely from his dreams. (The punches over the head had helped in that aspect too, of course.) 

"Mmmm?" the sleepy prisoner of the tower mumbled, blinking his bleary eyes. It took him a few long moments to realize that, yes, his hands _were_ on Rosette- places that probably shouldn't be mentioned. Though, in his defense, he hadn't done it on purpose. No more than the princess had "purposely" pressed his face into her breasts the previous night. (At least, he hoped that wasn't intentional. . . He'd hoped that only Satella was. . . Uh. . . that foreword.) All the same- he moved them. ('Them' being his hands.)

Unfortunately, he ended up moving them in the. . . wrong direction. His ruby-colored orbs opened just in time to notice the vein throbbing on the girl's temple. "Er- that wasn't. . . ! . . ."

And in that instant he registered what he was seeing.

His eyes widened.

His jaw fell open.

And his nose began to bleed.

"Aiyaaa!" he squeaked, ducking his head and rolling over quickly, pressing his face against the floor. However, he'd forgotten that their legs were caught, and consequently sent Rosette smashing sideways onto the stone ground with him. He didn't really care, though- she could screech and call him a pervert until the cows came home, it wouldn't matter- that flash (his face turned violet. Not a good choice of words on his part!) of what he'd seen was now craved permanently into his memory. 'Geez- Just how many buckets of water did she dump over herself!'

"CHRONOOOO!" the princess roared, bashing him over the noggin repeatedly with a frying pan (which, for all he knew, had come from her bra) while attempting to untangle their limbs once more. This time, she found success- and instantly used this freedom to straddle Chrono from behind and give him his well deserved beating. "HOW DARE YOU, YOU LITTLE WORM!"

"I didn't do anything!" the young teen cried, tears of frustration cascading down his cheeks as Rosette attempted to choke him with his own braid. "I didn't know you were so wet!"

God, that didn't sound right. . .

"Like shit!" she snarled, glaring at the boy who's eyes were now firmly clamped shut. "It's YOUR fault I'm so wet!"

That REAAAAALLY didn't sound right. . .

"How!" he argued, though the retaliation sounded weak. Having no oxygen in your lungs can do that sometimes. . . "You should be THANKING me! You obviously weren't getting any- er- where, what with you being all cold and hungry and lost!" He cursed himself silently for his almost-slip of the tongue, but luckily it went unnoticed. Rosette was too busy pounding on him with her fists and gnawing painfully on his ear, after all.

"Well, all that body heat of yours made my clothes melt! So that's why it's your fault!"

"So I should have just let you freeze!"

She faltered. "Um. . . Yes. . . ?" Hate loosing, Rosette? Regardless, her grip on his make-shift noose (AKA, his hair), loosened. And he finally managed to breathe.

Silence. The princess shifted on his lower back, head pressed against his shoulder blade. Chrono buried his face in his arms, biting his bottom lip when the girl's hands subconsciously brushed his sensitive sides. Yes, someone in the universe was definitely out to get him.

Though he supposed he should be flattered that the universe had singled him out. . . Whatever.

"Hey. . . Rosette?"

"Hm?" She moved dully against him, accompanying her grunt with a knuckling to his temple.

"Would you get off of me, please?"

". . . ! Eh!" Her face burning as her mind registered his flat request, she immediately flopped off; wanting to smack her forehead multiple times against the wall. "Eh heh heh. . . Sure."

Sighing and stretching, Chrono pushed himself into a sitting position when the weight on his back was finally removed; smiling nervously at the girl before him. "Thanks. Now. . . To business."

She blinked at these words, seemingly surprise. "There's business in this chapter besides the whole innuendo thing?"

_With a scream of rage, the authoress furiously fixed the shattered barrier with a roll of duct tape- coldly informing the characters that the whole 'let's break the fourth wall' joke was the theme of LAST chapter, and from now on will NOT be discussed. The funniness of the whole concept is gone, really. At this statement a few smartasses attempted to point out that this little section here counted as a continuation in and of itself, and was therefore a contradiction. However, the aforementioned fools soon found themselves retracting their previous words when Aion came skipping past in Rosette's princess dress, ready to be accompanied to his favorite 'hangs'. And the story continued. . . _

"Yeah," Chrono nodded, nose wrinkling in thought. "Like: What am I going to do with you? And, more importantly, what are YOU going to do with yourself?"

Rosette, again, blinked. "What do you mean?" 

"Well," the boy rephrased, unbuttoning his maroon jacket and handing it to the girl. Surprised and mildly shocked, she slipped the sweet-smelling coat over her moist "outfit", grateful and full of happy warm stuff. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"It was cold outside last night and there was no where else to go?" she tried sarcastically, hugging herself and moving her palms against her arms.

. . . .In retrospect, that retort should have been expected. "NO," he rolled his eyes dryly, fingers finding the end of his very, very long braid and releasing the ribbon than kept it bound. "I mean, why'd you leave home in the first place? And what do you plan to do, now that you've left? You DID have a plan before gallivanting off on your own, didn't you?"

He interpreted her silence as a blunt 'no.' ". . . Well that was dumb."

In return, the princess glared. "Look, I don't need your snappy remarks, okay? I wasn't planning on letting it get this far!"

"Oh?" Chrono arched an eyebrow, deftly loosening his snarled locks. "Could've fooled me."

"That's just 'cause you don't know the whole story!" Rosette defended herself, crossing her arms dourly.

"Enlighten me." 

"Okay- I will! And in a nifty flashback bit, too! So there! Now- not so very long ago. . ."

And as the scene melded itself into that of an infamous flashback, everything dulled in color, got all wavy, and the picture suddenly transformed. . .

Into that of a younger Rosette- though in all honesty, she was only a few days younger than her current self. But there was something was wrong with her skin and clothes and. . . the world around her. . . ?

"_Hey, Rosette," _Chrono's curious voice broke the spell of the flashback, bodiless words echoing over the scene. _"Why did everything suddenly go black and white?"_

"What th. . . !" Rosette faltered, stammering angrily. _"Oi! What the hell is this cheap crap! What's wrong here- can't I remember anything color?" _

_  
"It's kinda fuzzy, too. . ." _

The other Rosette opened her mouth to start speaking- but was cut off by her future counterpart. __

"Oooo, dammit. . . Studio charges must be up again. . ."

"Pity. And I heard this was a GOOD memory, too. . ."  


Again, she tried, but-

_  
"What? Nah, you're thinking of the one we edited out."_

"Huh? You mean this isn't the one with the?"  


Now this was just getting stupid.

_  
"Nope. That was the other one."_

". . . Well, curses."

"Yo!" the slightly-more-childlike Rosette suddenly snapped, glaring at the sky and throwing a random rock at the omniscient creatures above. "Can we get back to the flashback please!"

_"Oh yeah. Sure."_

"Carry on."

Finally! "Thank you," she sniffled huffily. Then she quickly regained character, smoothing her dress and hair. "Ahem: Oh, screw this stupid kingdom! I hate being all girly like my father's royal advisor! And I hate not getting to do anything fun! And I hate broccoli! Because of this I, I think I'll run away! . . .Okay, I will! (Dramatic pause.)

. . . Gasp! But alas, I. . . !"

_"**Alas**?"_

"Don't ask me. I don't recall ever using the word 'alas' in my life, let alone a few days ag-"

Eye twitch. "SHUT UP!"

_"Sorry." _

"Alas!" the girl continued, falling daintily to her side in the bright field of back-and-white flowers and butterflies. "I don't know where to go!" Then her eyes lit up, her following words accompanied by the sweet singing of the forest animals. Bambi wobbled past. As did a perusing hunter.

But they were both ignored, seeing as they were, even then, property of Disney.

"Wait! It doesn't matter!" little Rosette unceremoniously realized, clapping her hands together with a look of joyful realization in her eyes. "Because before I get too far away, father will come and stop me! And when he does, I'll refuse to return until I'm allowed to do fun things! And because he'll have missed me so desperately, he'll agree! It's fool-proof!"

"_That's not true. Seems to me a whole bunch of fools screwed it up. Namely yo-"_

". . ."

". . ." __

"Er- Shutting up no-OW!"  


"YES! THAT IS MY PLAN! I'm BRILLIANT!" past Rosette sang, leaping to her feet as a huge BANG went off behind her- a shower of bright sparks lighting the sky. "And after that- TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! _**MWAHAHAHA! **HAHAHA! _HAHAHAA-_(cough)_-HaHaH-_(gag)_-hahaha-_(choke)_-haaahaa. . . Haa _(wheeze). _. .aaaaaa. . ."

And she fainted.

The world began swirling once more, but this time returned to the tower (with un-fuzzy color!)- where again, Rosette was on top of Chrono.

. . . For a slightly different reason.

"_Uh. . .guys? Pst! You're back on!" _

"Wha!" Both blushed, bolting in opposite directions as the princess quickly pulled her jacket back on, straightening her top; the tower's prisoner hastily working his suspenders back up. "Er. . ." They cleared their throats. This was embarrassing. . .

"Um, okaaaaay. . . Well, that last bit of the flashback seemed a little like you. . ." Chrono commented, still pink in the cheeks. Rosette nodded in agreement, fiddling listlessly with the decorative bow of her undershirt.

"Yeah. . . That'll happen when I've had tortellini. . ."

The young man cocked his head, interested. "The three cheese kind?" 

"Yeah."

"That stuff is good. . ."

"I know."

They trailed off, glancing in opposite directions. Chrono grabbed his ankles and began rocking back and forth; Rosette twirled a strand of blonde hair.

". . ."

". . ."

"You wanna just make out?"

"!" The maroon-pooled boy's face became warmer than a desert. "B-but Rosette- the authoress says we can't until later chapters! Character development and. . . and. . .you know."

_Authoress Decree: Chrono is now forced to accompany Aion. In pleather. _

She snorted. "I don't care what she says."

_Authoress Decree: So is Rosette. _

And so the pair began making out on the floor of Chrono's tower, ignoring the fact that- according to the story- they just met and disliked each other.

**X**

"Any news?"

"I'm sorry, my king. No."

King Christopher sighed heavily, raking a hand through his blonde hair. "Nothing?"

"Not a dicky bird," Aion replied seriously, before breaking into immature giggle-fits at his own cleverly-sexual phrase. He was shot a cold glare, but the advisor/magician/priest/interior designer/secondary character simply shrugged it off. Nothing could piss him off while he was feeling pretty in his dress robes. "And it was pretty cold last night, eh? She might have frozen to death."

"Oh God. . ." the king sunk lower in his throne. "I hadn't thought of that. . ."

"And I hear the dragons and boars are pretty hungry this year," Aion continued cheerfully, giving his hawk a loving pet.

Christopher groaned. Things were looking bleak.

"Oh! And there's a really fucked-up witch around these parts that likes to eat kids who munch on her candy house. Rizzel or Rizzo or something. . . Anyway, we all know how much Rosette likes candy. . ."

The king was almost crying, now. And when he noticed this, the advisor/magician/priest/interior designer/secondary character softened.

"Oh. . . fore soothe, my king. I _do _have good news," he comforted smoothly, crouching before the ruler and placing a hand (a little too suggestively) on his thigh. 

"Huh?" the younger of the two straightened, eyes widening hopefully. "What is it?"

Aion beamed. "I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!"

". . ."

The king slunk back to the ground, glaring coldly at the white-haired wizard. "I hate you. I hate you so much."

**XXXXXXXXX**

_Yatta! Another chapter done!_

And I thought I'd take a chance to mention this, because I'm sure at least ONE of you is really confused- the whole Chrono and Rosette switching from 'characters of this fic' to 'characters performing this fic' thing. The idea behind it is that in an AU story, it's more like a "movie setting" (or whatnot)- it's the original characters acting in a different world. So I'm sort of doing this like Rosette and Chrono and everyone are in a movie, playing the parts of their correspondents. So they will occasionally switch between the actually Rosette and Chrono and the story's Rosette and Chrono. Does that make any sense?

Probably not. But I hope you can work with it. . . (sweat drop)  


_Credit in this chapter: Twizlers, Geico, Disney (sorry, Bambi fans! The commericals for the 'new release' have been driving me bonkers) and everyone who started all of the clichés used. Yea! _

_  
XD Hope you enjoyed! And like I said before, please R&R! (And be kind- I need to go study. I didn't have much time for corrections! Eep!)_

_(: Ja ne! _


	5. Lather, Rinse, Repeat

_Disclaimer: I own a Rosette cosplay costume that I made all by myself! XD And the books. . . And the DVDs. . . And the Museum Drama OST as well as Gospel I and Gospel II anime OSTs. . . And a plushie with a picture of Chrono in it. . . But that's about it! (Gonna go on a Chrono Crusade buying spree at the convention this year, I tell ya. . . BTW- anyone else going to the Anime Central 2005 con in Chicago? Greg Ayres is gonna be there! AAAAAA! XD XD XD XD) _

Author's Note: Helllllooooo, poppets! And how are y'all today? Good? Good! 'Cause I'm not! XD One of my brothers is sick and I have a babysitting job tonight and a huge social studies test coming up that I need to study for! AUUUUUGH!

_  
Ah well. :)_

_Let's see, only one question. . . Oo, from the much-beloved thechickenlittle-sama! XD XD XD Weee, I feel so loved. . . Let me see. . . My opinion on you writing a new story? Gee, let me think about th- YES! WRITE! XD I love your stories. . . As for why Aion hates Pandemonia, I was only just introduced to that whole Sinner vs. Pandimonia/Pandemonium shtick a few days ago, when volume 4 came out, so I'm probably not the most. . . Er. . . Well-informed fan. (sweat drop) Gomen ne! But a darker fic about it would be fun. . . If you promise to keep updating Demons and Love, of course. ;) _

_That said, let's begin the tor- I mean- fun! XD _

(IMPORTANT: Credit to _SecretCrusader_, who had mentioned this Aion bit in the summary of her fic 'A Place Where Toasters Can Be Thrown With a Vengeance'. . . But then that fic **disappeared **and she never got around to actually _using _it. . . And it was **so **perfect and **so **funny that I just _had _to play with the initial idea. I hope that's okay. . . All the same, **credit to her**! XD)

**XXXXXXXXX**

The cliché evil beam of light reflected off of his glasses in the darkness, the only hint as to where he stood. Where the actual light _came _from and _how _it managed to **_only _**light his _glasses_, (for everything else in the room was as black as a Halloween cat) was a mystery- but left unasked so as not to break the _very **dramatic **_and **_terrifying _**scene before us.

He cleared his throat.

And then. . .

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" Aion threw back his head and laughed, pausing only briefly when his skull connected painfully with the door. "MWAHA- ow, god dammit!- HAHAHAAAA!"

Leaning foreword slyly (and in an attempt to see where he was going; it really _was _dark in there), the advisor/magician/priest/interior designer/secondary character gracefully fumbled for something before him. He finally found it when he ran headlong into it, knocking the item over with a loud clatter.

"Ooo, double dammit. . ." he cursed under his breath, falling to his knees to quickly scoop up the pieces he'd spilt and dump them back upon the board. Though he was unable to tell where all the tokens originally went, he did manage to set them back up in a clump by the edge of the cardboard playing field, taking one from the pile to amuse himself with. . . Evilly, of course. "_Ahem_. ANYWAY. . . MWAHAHA! You fools!"

Toying with the plastic person-shaped model, he began to make it hop from section to section on the board, only able to assume he was somewhere close to the multicolored path. (Maybe he needed one of those nighttime goggles or something. . .) "Soon, I _shall _control. . .

I _shall _prevail. . .

I _shall _be the ruler-

OF **CANDYLAND**! _BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA_!"

Clenching the token tightly in his fist, he threw his head back to guffaw some more-

When the closet door was opened, light suddenly spilling in and startling Aion into silence.

". . ."

Fiore stared flatly at him, a cluster of coats in her hands.

". . ."

Aion stared back, gnawing on the plastic person's head.

". . ."

They blinked.

". . ."

Fiore closed the door again.

**X**

Chrono had a lot of hair. And even that was a bit of an understatement. His locks- his thick, heavy, violet, silky, twisted braid- from the tip of the longest strand to the base of his neck, was 60 feet, 8 inches, and 3.5 centimeters long. That was a HELL of a lot of hair- more than anyone else he'd ever met, anyway.

Therefore, he didn't take sprucing lightly. Oh no. Washing his tresses took 5 and ½ hours, over 50 bottles of Head and Shoulders, 62 tubes of conditioner, 95 gallons of water, 78 fluffy towels, and 18 hours to dry. When he washed his hair, _he **WASHED **HIS **HAIR**_. And it didn't help (what with it being dragged on the ground all day and hung out the window for strangers to shimmy up) that his braid was almost always very, very filthy. Luckily, his apartment was usually pretty clean.

Usually.

But now that Rosette was with him, things had gotten a little. . . Dirty. In more ways then one. So when he woke up the next morning, he wasn't overly surprised to find his plait sticky and matted (and smelling quite a bit like leftover chocolate sauce).

"Ugh. . ." the poor boy whimpered, working the sleep out of his eyes as he tried to push his stiff bangs out of his face. _Gross_. "Rosette. . ." he whined half-heartedly, glaring down at the girl sleeping on left leg, curled up around it like it were a comfortable pillow. "Come _on_. . ."

"Mgmph. . ." she mumbled in response, snuffling sleepily; burrowing her face deeper into the warmth of his outer thigh. "'Gum on where. . . ?"

He gawked impassively down at her. "Come on and wake up- you got my hair all icky, so you're gonna have to help me wash it."

If she heard him, she didn't act like it- only snorted and rolled over; falling back into a light snooze.

A vein on Chrono's forehead gave a visible throb. "I'm serious, Rosette. Get your lazy rear up and help me!"

"Mghph. . . No wanna. . ." One sapphire pool peaked up at him through a forest of thick ebony lashes. "Sleepy."

"Tough beans," he sniffed, though inside he deeply regretted making her move. His leg was quite cold when she sat up. "I can't wash my hair by myself- I need help!"

As the words processed in Rosette's tired mind, she yawned. "So, what. . . You want me to take a shower with you or something?"

". . ."

". . ."

Both flushed magenta, the girl's eyes widening as she realized how that sounded. "Er- no, wait- that's not what I meant!"

Chrono simply cleared his throat, cheeks stained a very cute shade of rose. The princess continued to rant heatedly at the ceiling. (At least, that's what it looked like- but the insults were probably directed towards a more omniscient force.) "Um. . . Either way, no thanks. . . I think. . . . I just need help lathering and rinsing and stuff. . . I don't even use a shower for my hair."

Rosette, finally falling silent, cocked her head. "You don't? Then what _do _you do? Call in the_ fire station_?"

**X**

How he washed his hair was simple in theory, but a pain in the ass when applied to real life. (It probably would have been easier to call in the fire station and ask to use one of their hoses.)

In his rather small bathroom, he had a shower/bath tub. What they had to do was fill the tub with warm water, plop Chrono in the middle of it, and begin scrubbing his scalp. When that and the base of his neck looked more or less like a cap of foam, he stepped out of the tub- and the first section of his loose braid took its place.

When the loosened plait fell into the liquid it instantly became waterlogged and expanded, filling the entire tub with swimming strands of violet. Rosette then squirted at least thirteen bottles of shampoo into the water, ran her fingers throughout the length of the tub in a scrubbing motion, and then signaled for the boy to walk forward. In doing this, he dragged the now-clean hair out of the tub, and made room for a new portion of his dirtied mane.

"This SUCKS," Rosette complained loudly in the boy's general direction. (He was currently somewhere in the living room.)

"Count your blessings," he called drearily back. "At least you weren't here when I was 6 and got lice . . ."

The process was repeated until Chrono had walked the length of the apartment 32.3145 times, lugging what looked like a rabid purple caterpillar behind him the whole way. (Yes, this was how he got out of mopping his living quarters. Didn't help with the wood rot, though.) Finally each strand was washed. Trailing on the dusty floor, yes, but washed.

"My head hurts. . ." the red-orbed teen moaned softly, massaging the back of his neck with a fervor. Rosette growled from the bathroom, trying to work a crick out of her back.

"You think you've got it bad? I just spent three hours hunched over a bathtub! And now- according to the bottle- we've gotta rinse and repeat!"

Chrono smiled softly. "Don't worry. If we double washed my hair, it would take a whole Head and Shoulder's factory to keep my head clean."

Rosette exhaled loudly. "Oh, thank goodn-"

"But we do still need to use conditioner. Otherwise I get these nasty tangles and it's impossible to braid. . . " He grinned nervously as her eyes shot daggers at him. (Or were those her hands doing that?) "Um. . . Sorry?"

She snarled. "If you weren't so adorable, you idiot, you'd be sooooo dead. . ."

". . . ?" Despite how scary the girl was being (especially with the way she was now snapping at inanimate objects), Chrono felt himself cheer up slightly. 'She thinks I'm adorable?'

Beaming in spite of himself, he shuffled back towards the tub to get conditioned.

**X**

"Hey, Chrono?"

"Hmm?" the boy purred softly, eyes half lidded in a state of contentment. He nuzzled his head closer to her palms; she had begun braiding his moist locks. She was an impulsive person and had decided that she didn't want to wait until his hair was completely dry after washing out the conditioner (Which, incidentally, had been a task she'd quite enjoyed: she'd been allowed to use the shower sprayers and shoot thick squirts of hot water at him. Almost as good as a fire hose, in her book.). They had, she said, better things to do with their time "and all that". (He'd decided not to dig any deeper into the statement than need be.)

"You said that you can't do this alone, right?" He nodded blankly, silently impressed with her weaving skills. She was already a fourth of the way down his head. ('Finally,' she thought to herself as she worked, 'a mildly _practical _use for all of those boring hours of _stitching _and _lacing _and **crap**. . .')

"Yeah, why?"

"Well. . ." She frowned slightly. "If that's the case, then who usually helps you?"

"Oh. . ." Chrono's smile became one of mild nervousness. "Oh that. . ."

Rosette glanced up for the braid she had half-finished. "'_Oh that' . . . _? What's _'oh that' _supposed to mean?"

"Well. . . Um. . . That's the thing. . ." He flinched as the princess began to yank quite a bit harder on his hair, plait three-fourths complete.

"_What's _the thing!" A scowl was very easily detectible in her voice, now.

Chrono sighed, standing- his clothes sopping- and walked out of the bathroom; braid uncoiling and trailing behind him like some sort of doused cobra. Rosette tied a giant yellow bow on the end of it just before it began inching past the doorframe. "There's something I haven't mentioned yet. . . Something important."

"Well, what is it?" she snapped, impatiently crossing her arms over her chest; storming after him. The red-pooled teen struck a very melancholy pose beside the window, leaning his right shoulder against the wall. "You don't have, like, genital herpes or something, do you?"

He stiffened, eyes widening in horror; face exploding with color. (Oh, his poor cheeks were never going to return to normal after this stupid story. . .) "ROSETTE! How could you even SAY something like that?"

She shrugged, a smidgen pink. "What- don't look at me like that! Have you seen how many channels Joshua picks up! It's the commercials infecting my brain, I swear. . . All those happy-go-lucky people singing and dancing about STDs. . ." A shiver. "Scary. . ."

Scary was right. "Yeeaaaah. . . Anyway, since you completely _ruined_ the atmosphere, I suppose I'll just come out and tell you."

"Well, good. The suspense was killing me."

Chrono pouted. "You're taking all the fun out of this!"

"Okaaaay, sorry. Tell me already. . . Sheesh." Resting her chin against her palm, Rosette stared straight at him; waiting.

"Well. . ." he cleared his throat, taking a deep breath, "I'm not just _any_ old teenager trapped up in a musty tower."

"I see." The princess pursed her lips. "And this has to do with you washing your hair, how?"

"I'm getting to that!"

"All right, all right!"

A second deep breath. "You see. . . I'm also the victim of many pedophilia attempts." (Yes, the boy mused monotonously, the authoress was definitely _straining _to find some sort of melodrama. . .)

". . ." Rosette stared blankly at the very solemn boy. He began to sweat under her intense gaze, trembling.

"**_What_**?"

She smirked behind her fingers, waving a hand. "Nothing, nothing. . . Just trying to swallow the irony. . ."

He frowned, confused. "_What_ irony?"

Rosette began to snort down laughter, stretching her arms over her head and arching slightly. "Well, come on, I mean- what are you in real life? A couple centuries? And here you are complaining some- I dunno, I'm assuming- 20 year old brat's been touching you up? I don't know if I even consider that as bad as the looks you started sending me when I was 12. . ."

For the umpteenth time, the boy's face flooded with blood. "**_What _**looks! And Rosette- stop breaking the alternate universe-ness of the fic!"

Suddenly a roll of duct tape fell from the sky and smacked Chrono upside the head, a little note attached to it reading_ 'You are SO fixing the mess you made. . . And I am NOT helping you if any more rabid fan girls break through. Good luck, buster. The Authoress.'_ He sweat dropped before pocketing the short letter and returning to the debate regarding his potential pedophilic nature.

The girl scoffed, flicking a strand of her hair over her shoulder. "I'm not _stupid _Chrono. After you got over the whole _'stay away from me, I'm a devil! Rawr!'_ phase, you started hugging me and stuff. . ."

"You hugged me first! It would have been rude not to hug you ba. . .!"

"And then I woke up once and you were watching me as I slept. . ."

"I- I- That's because. . . !"

"_AND_ I heard you saying once that you felt really warm when around me!"

"N-Not like THAT, Rosette- you were this little THING at the time and- and I didn't mean to. . . To. . ." He trailed off in surprise as she smiled at him, kissing his cheek.

"I didn't say I MINDED. . ." she whispered, giving his ear a tug. "I'm just saying that you're a pedophile."

Chrono, despite feeling a bit delighted at the surprise affection, glared. "I am NOT a pedophile!"

Rosette giggled, adoring how strongly he reacted to such a tiny little taunt. The only reason he was so much fun to torment was because he responded so well. Mwahaa. . . "Really? Could've fooled me."

"ROSEEEEEEEEEEEEETTE!" he whined, tugging vainly on her sleeve as she cackled. "Take it back! Take it back!"

"Hmmm. . . No, I don't think I will. . . Pedophile."

"Nooo! I am NOT! Ro-!"

But he quickly fell silent, eyes narrowing into slits. The princess frowned, looking concerned. "Ch-?"

"Shh!" he hissed, pressing a hand to her mouth and straining his ears. He _swore_ he had heard-

"_CHROOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" a sing-song voice sang from a ways away, the faintest hint of a German accent detectable in her words. "Chrono-baby, guess who's here. . . ?"

The boy froze. "Crap!"

'Did she just say **_Chrono-baby_**?' Rosette's ears began to steam. Ripping his hand away from her lips, she began to make her way towards the window, but Chrono managed to pull her back just in time. "Is that-?"

"Yes," he replied quickly, tugging her frantically away. It was hard to do, what with the floor so wet and sudsy. "That's the witch who trapped me and has harassed me and is now about to come visit me. But you can't let her see you- she hates it when I associate with people!"

"Why?"

"I think it has something to do with liabilities. . ."

"What!" Rosette gaped, bewildered. Chrono exploited her dazed state in order to push her into the bathroom and slam the door shut- ignoring the crash and the string of curses that followed when she slipped on some of the water on the ground. "Chrono? Chrono! What's going. . . ?"

"Shh!" he demanded once more before rushing back to the windowsill- but not peaking out. "Oh, Satella! I wasn't expecting you!"

50 feet below, a beautiful woman with long auburn hair and quite a large. . . basket of melons. . . waved cheerfully; hands aglitter with gems. Not that Chrono saw this, because he was too busy hiding the shadows.

"Well, you should have!" the young woman returned cheerfully, winking her bright eyes. "I always have time for my favorite prisoner! Now come- let me up so we can share the food I brought!"

The cogs in Chrono's mind began to work very fast. Unfortunately, not quite fast enough. "Uh- you can't! Sorry!"

". . ." she frowned, straightening indignantly. "Pardon?" she questioned, tone suggesting that he better either rethink that answer or give a damn good reason for it. "And why can't I see you?"Think fast-! "Er- because I'm not decent!" he lied, trying not to stutter. "I was in the middle of a shower. I- um- am STILL in the middle of a shower! Soaking wet, not dressed, in a towel- really, Satella, it would be best for you to come later."

A pause.

". . . Only in a towel, you say?"

". . ." Chrono silently smacked his forehead against the wall. 'Smooth, idiot. Why not just build her an elevator?'

"I think it's a perfect time for me to come up." Satella smirked a toothy smirk, winking suggestively. "So I suppose, darling, that we'll just have to agree to disagree. So let down your braid. . ."

"Umm. . . Oh my, I left the water on! I gotta go get it!" he squeaked, sliding through the connected rooms until he reached the bathroom- racing inside and frantically locking himself in. Rosette- who had been nursing a bumped noggin on the linoleum- looking up at him angrily, about to comment-

When a new sound cut her off. Somehow, Satella had managed to make it into the apartment without the teen's help. (Well, that was to be expected- what with her being a witch and all. . .) "Chrono? Chrono-baby, where are you? Do you need any help scrubbing your back? Or perhaps you'd like to wash your hair today. . . ?"

He winced when Rosette shot him a nasty glare. "Yes, she's also the one that helps. . ." Oh, he was going to die later. . .

The sorceress, who now stood directly outside the bathroom door, sounded amused. "Chrooooono. . . I know you're in here. . .Where are you hiding?" She tapped the wooden barrier. "Are you in there, pet?"

"Uh- er- um- yeah. . . !" Chrono laughed forcefully, sending his hiding mate a warning look. Rosette huffed quietly, but didn't say anything else. "So I am! Must not have heard you what with the. . . Um. . ." -he kicked the faucet, causing water to spew forth- "water running. Eh heh heh heh. . ." Damn, that hurt his toe. . .

Satella said nothing for a moment- and he could picture her in his mind's eye, frowning; normally smooth brow furrowed. "Hmm. . . Perhaps not. . ." she murmured, sounding mildly suspicious before perking up. "Oh, no matter! Say- would you mind passing me your clothes?"

He paled, as did Rosette. "P-pardon?"

"Your clothes, love. I'll wash them for you. Since you're going to be clean, you don't want to wear the same old soiled outfit, right? So get out and pass me your clothes through the door. Unless. . . There's a problem you're not sharing with me, darling. . . ? Did you forget that we do not bathe dressed?" A faint, steely warning leaked into her voice. Chrono gulped.

"Ah hahaha- no! No trouble at all! Thank you for. . . for suggesting . . . it. . ." he gulped silently, weighing his options. If he _didn't _give her his clothes, she wouldn't believe him- and she'd come bursting in and find Rosette. But if he _complied _. . . He swallowed. Really no choice in the matter, was there?

So he began to strip down, furiously red the whole while. Rosette gaped at him, never having expected to enjoy front row seats to this sort of thing. ('Chrono' and 'strip tease' didn't generally go together, after all.) Off went his shirt and his suspenders and his pants and his coat and his socks and his leggings and his shoes. . . Until all that was left was his boxers. Well, and a bright magenta blush.

Scooping the articles into his arms, he hastily opened the door a crack and chucked them out; slamming it shut again so desperately that he didn't notice his braid wedging itself incorrectly between the door and its frame. . .

"There you go!" he chirped brightly, knowing quite well that he was now being scanned by Rosette's judging eyes. "Thanks for stopping by! See you later!"

". . ." Satella blinked, standing outside the door covered in suddenly expelled pieces of clothing. 'What just. . . ?' Then she started, smiling widely- though rather deviously. "Of course, honey. . . Of course. I'll be back later. . . Enjoy your shower."

And she was gone again before Chrono could respond.

Silence.

The boy shifted uncomfortably, feeling justifiably bare.

The girl began gnawing her bottom lip, resisting the temptation to observe the scenery around her.

A full minute ticked by.

"So. . ." Rosette eventually began, smacking her lips and staring off into space. "We ever gonna. . . I dunno. . . Get out of the bathroom?"

Chrono smiled nervously in return, giving the end of his bangs a light tug- as he gave the door knob an even harder one. "Um. . . Well, you see, there's a slight problem. . ."

She looked up- then down when he pointed to his lodged plait.

"The door's jammed."

". . ."

Uh oh.

**XXXXXXXXX**

_Wee, that's another chapter done! Sorry it took so long to get out, by the way- been really busy! _

_Oh- and sorry about the genital herpes thing. . .But seriously, those commercials are starting to grate on my nerves. Since when did it become a good thing to have STDs? No offence meant to anyone who uses the medications or anything, it's just. . . You know. . . _

_As for Chrono being a pedophile, NO- of course I don't actually think he's one! It's just a joke my friends and I have after watching the anime. You know the episodes about Rosette and Joshua meeting Chrono? And that reel of memories in the second of the two episodes? Well, one time while watching that (and I really do adore those scenes- it's so cute and the music is just beautiful!), I kind of zoned in on all of these little things- like how he watches her sleep and how he's wondering 'why he feels so warm inside' and all that and I commented: "You know, with her being so young and all. . . It's cute, but it really doesn't sound right. I think Chrono's a pedophile." I was just kidding, of course, but Emmy (one of my friends) thought it was so funny that now whenever we watch that scene she goes "Oooo, look! Chrono's a pedophile!" And I yell at her for saying it, even though I started it. _

_(Sweat drop) . . . I'm shutting up now. _

_Credit to: Oh, you know. . . _

Please R&R! Ja ne!


	6. Alcohol, a Pony, and a Hell of a Lot of ...

_Disclaimer: Mmmm, what I could do if I owned Chrono. . . _

_Author's Note: Gack! Sorry, again, that it took me so long to update! I've been really busy, as usually- but mainly- I wasn't letting myself update. Stupid, I know, but I needed to get the next chapter of Headlines: Engagement done, and so. . . yeah._

_But I'm here now! XD Back with another fun-fun filled chapter of ATLHEA! Yatta!_

_And so, without further ado, I give you. . . (overly dramatic pause). . . chapter six._

**xxxxxxx**

When we last left our favorite couple, they had just discovered that, due to the jamming of Chrono's braid, they were locked in the bathroom. That was over thirteen hours ago.

. . . and not much has changed since then.

"So. . ." Chrono cleared his throat, a look of flushed embarrassment on his face, "um. . . what shall we do?"

Rosette glared at him from her seat on the toilet, cupping her chin in her hands. "Whaddya mean, 'we'? _You're_ the one that got us stuck in here!"

The boy frowned, a bit hurt. "Well _excuse me_," he snorted, pouting out his bottom lip. "I was only trying to keep us safe from the Jewel Witch! SORRY I bothered to save your hide!"

"Well, what would she have done _if_ she caught me?" the princess snapped back, visibly annoyed. "**Pamper** **me**?"

That stung. "_Are you calling me pampered?_" Chrono fumed, irritated. She flipped her hair, turning away with a snarl.

"If the shoe fits!"

"Hey! This isn't a Cinderella story!"

"I **know** that! I already _broke_ the glass slippers, idiot!"

"Who're you calling an idiot, **idiot**?"

"YOU!" The girl stormed to her feet and stomped towards the male- towering over him as he tried to push himself to his tiptoes; attempting to sustain eye level. But alas, what with his hair being caught, this was impossible.

And it really hurt to try.

The pair stared coldly at one another- Rosette down, Chrono up.

". . ." the princess felt a small smirk quirk her lips. ". . . How's the weather down there, shortie?"

"!" Chrono huffed, pink once more and growling. "Oh, shut it! And as if you should talk, yo-"

**x**

He hadn't always been the way he was today. No, of that, he was certain.

He used to be just like any other boy. . . except for the fact that he had a strange obsession with board games. But then, one bright morning- much like this one- little Aion woke up with a happy yawn and proclaimed:

"I think I'm going to be evil today!"

The birds perched on his windowsill, who had previously been twittering 'Baby Got Back,' halted mid-measure when the silver haired chibi questioned irritably: "Oi. Didn't you hear me? EVIL." and began, instead, to chirp the 'Teletubbies' theme song.

Aion tried on his new, patented, evil smirk.

Yes, that would do as a sufficiently evil tune.

Within a few evil moments, the boy had called up his evil friends and had begun to evilly work on his evilly evil new plans for world domination in his evil coloring book. (Evil plans that mainly had to do with his grossly overusing the word "evil", much like the authoress has been doing for the past few sentences. That- and giving anime dubbers even more power to water down good shows. The horrors!)

But annoyingly soon, as most tiny tykes tend to do, he grew board and decided that he wasn't fit to be a full-fledged evil villain. The job took more determination, skill, and hair gel than he had originally assumed and had time for. But the prospect of missing all the fun that baddies had on a day-to-day basis (apart from the always-losing thing) wasn't something he was prepared to surrender, either.

So he met himself half way. . . and got involved in politics. Which explains why he's where he is today.

. . . How this little side-story relates to Chrono and Rosette being trapped in a bathroom, even the authoress doesn't know; but she felt that this tale should be told, anyway.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled chapter.

**x**

Sometime during that unexpected interlude, the couple had made up- and, presumably, out- before falling against the wall and sliding down it: utterly and completely at a loss of what to do.

Rosette fiddled with her clothes.

Chrono wished he had clothes to fiddle with.

They sighed simultaneously.

". . . How much longer do you think we'll have to wait in here before some magical plot device appears?" the girl asked flatly, doodling circles on the ground with her index finger. The prisoner shrugged nonchalantly, curling and uncurling his toes.

". . ."

". . ."

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Chrono was struck with an idea!

("Ah," Rosette smiled in mild exasperation, staring up at the line above her head, "_there_ we go. . .")

"Hey," the boy blinked, "I've got the perfect solution!"

"And what might that be?" the princess sighed, propping her face up on her knuckles, extremely irked. "Break the mirror and use a shard of glass to hack off your plait?"

"No," Chrono shook his head (as best as he could), apparently quite please with himself. "We need to make you cry!"

. . . Complete silence filled the room. . .

". . . Pardon?" the girl choked flatly, eyes widening in amazement. . . at how dumb her boyfriend could be at times.

"Yeah!" he replied exuberantly, waving his arms for absolutely no reason whatsoever. "We need to make you cry! 'Cause when you do, your fairy god mother will appear and you can wish us out of here!"

". . . Can't we just break the mirror?"

"No, that would be too easy. Besides, Satella would kill me," Chrono chirped, a faint note of nervousness in his voice. "That's some sort of really expensive magic looking glass. . . that's what she told me, anyway."

"Really?" the princess murmured, giving the mirror a once over. "Huh. I think it might be malfunctioning."

"What? Why?"

"Because all I can see in it is your bedroom."

". . ."

". . ."

Rosette blinked, mildly surprised.

The boy's face flamed, mouth twisting into a scowl- pushing up imaginary sleeves. "I changed my mind. Let's break it."

But this time the blonde stopped him- holding out a hand to keep him from moving. Like he _could_. . . "No, let's keep it here," she replied, sounding thoughtful. He blanched.

"Wh- what? You wanna watch me in my room, too, or something?"

Rosette pierced him with a stare, expression vapid. "NO, it's just that I already tried to remove it when you were spacing out, and it's stuck there permanently. Besides, we could cut ourselves on the glass and crap, and that would turn this into one of those cliché, angsty-suicide fics. Geez- and I thought Satella was a pervert. . ."

Chrono grumbled, thoroughly flustered. "I am not a-!"

"Oh, never mind. We still need a plan," the girl blew out her cheeks, rolling her eyes to the ceiling and twisting a lock of her hair. "Can you think of anything?"

"I already said-"

"Anything BESIDES making me cry?" she drawled. "Because seriously, that's got to be the stupidest plan I've ever heard."

"I dunno, I've heard stupider. Ever listen to Aion when he's on his soapbox? But that's beside the point." Chrono cleared his throat, pulling his knees to his chin. "Princesses who sniffle and sob get anything they want. Guaranteed."

"No shit." Rosette arched an eyebrow. "How d'ya figure?"

"Easy! Look at all of the fairytales that say so." The prisoner began ticking them off on his fingers. "Let's see- in Cinderalla, she cried and her godmother came. . . in Rumplestiltskin, the girl cried and that little midget came-"

"The girl in Rumplestiltskin wasn't a princess, though," the girl pointed out. "She was a poor miller's daughter. A poor miller's daughter who, if I remember correctly, wore a hell of a lot of gold. . . seriously, there were SO many flaws in that stupid story. I could rant for hours on it." Chrono shot her a dry look.

"Please don't. Anyway, there's also Fiona from Shrek 2. . ."

"I dunno if I'd count that m-"

"Work with me here!"

"Sorry, sorry. . ."

"And. . . um. . . let's see. . . Sleeping Beauty was probably crying when those fairies came. . . what with her being a baby and all. . . so there you have it!" He jumped to his feet, gave a yelp when his hair snagged, and struck a mildly triumphant pose. "All you have to do is whimper and we'll be home-free!"

Rosette still seemed less than convinced.

Chrono deflated a bit, sounding slightly desperate when he next spoke. "C'mon, just humor me for a minute, okay?" He tried the infamous puppy-dog eyes: maroon pools growing much wider and wetter than they should; glimmering like damp diamonds in the fluorescent lights.

She stiffened.

"Oh, Chrono, don't you- would you stop- _argh_. . . Okay," the young woman surrendered flatly, giving a very fake snuffle. "I'll humor you. I wish for a pony."

**_POOF!_**

Both jumped, clutching their racing hearts while disgustingly huge amounts of glitter and sparkles and confetti rained down upon them, coating the floor with three inches of wasted party supplies.

"What th-?"

And then, as if by magic, a pony appeared in the moist bathtub.

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

Rosette, Chrono, and the pony exchanged glances.

". . . Well, I'll be darned." The girl muttered before swift realization took hold. "It really worked. I. .. I could get used to this! Okay- I wish for the Elder to be-!"

"No time for that _now_, Rosette!" the boy interrupted heatedly, growing rather chilly in his boxers. "Just wish your fairy godmother here!"

The girl glowered. "No way! First I need-"

"ROSETTE!"

She pouted, casting him a dirty look. "All right, all right. . . geez, don't get your panties in a twist. I guess it wouldn't matter, anyway, what with this just being a fanfiction and all. . ."

Chrono opened his mouth to reply, but then froze- fixing a pair of parenthesizes around their next few lines for a few moments of non-AU discussion.

("Speaking of which, why haven't we gotten any nasty notes about fourth wall breakage?" he inquired, completely bewildered. "Seems rather- what's that slang word?- 'OOC' for the authoress?"

"I dunno," his Contractor shrugged; though she appeared a smidgen curious as well. "Perhaps it doesn't break anymore. Perhaps she finally got the barrier steal-coated or something."

"Or she ran off to the loony bin. . ."

"Could be that, too. . . Well, it's a pity, all the same."

"Why?" the devil started, taken aback.

The exorcist grinned sheepishly. "I kinda wanted a free roll of duct tape chucked at me, too.")

Parenthesizes gone.

Screwing up her eyes, Rosette gave another very weak whimper. "All right, here goes nothing. I wish for my fairy godmother to be here!"

". . ."

The prisoner waited expectantly.

". . ."

The princess peaked open one blue orb.

". . ."

The pony began trying to eat the soap.

Nothing happened.

"Huh. . ." Chrono furrowed his brow, nonplussed. "And I was _sure _that was going to work, too. . ."

"I have the distinct impression that it should have," Rosette murmured, staring a bit heatedly off into space.

"I guess we'll just have to try again."

The pony hiccuped a bubble.

**x**

"So then I said to him- I said: 'No wonder the hymn had four beats!'"

Azmaria beamed appreciatively over her margarita as Joshua burst into laughter, his warm chuckles echoing quietly through the fancy bar. A nearby TV started rapidly switching channels as he moved his head.

"God, Az, you didn't. . ." he finally managed to choke out, taking a small sip of his martini in an attempt to quell his amusement. She didn't respond; only crossed her legs daintily on her stool and winked, tracing the rim of her goblet with a fingertip. Joshua snorted. "I can't believe you said that. . ."

"Why?" she questioned sweetly, running a hand through her silvery tresses. "It wasn't rude. All I did was point out the obvious."

"Yeah," he agreed, lowering his voice to a husky purr as he bent towards her, chinking their glasses together. "But it's one of those things that you just don't expect to hear _dear little Azmaria_ say. . ."

"I'm not _that _little," the girl protested, eyes sliding to a half-lidded, almost sultry state. "I can be quite _grown up_ if I want to be. . ."

Joshua smirked his agreement. "I'm sure you can."

Both began to lean forward; lashes leisurely fluttering shut. The soft jazz music tinkering gently in the background, they inched closer and closer to ea-

"OI!"

"!" The pair leaped apart, eyes springing open. "Wha-?" They blinked rapidly, searching for the source of the noise. Their gazes fell simultaneously upon. . .

Aion. Who was playing with his stuffed koala and Ralph the sock puppet.

"_The authoress says Azmaria is late_!" the puppet simpered in an unnaturally high pitch. Aion's childish grin widened maniacally before stuffing his koala in the couple's line of vision.

"**Yeah**," the plush toy agreed in a very low tone. "**You were supposed to be in the bathroom scene twenty minutes ago**."

"But," Aion added in his own voice, smirking (his patented, evil smirk, of course), "instead I find you here getting drunk with my darling Joshie. What _is_ the authoress going to say?"

The girl's face had turned very white. "Crap!" she squeaked; hopping up so fast that her drink almost fell to the floor. "Rosette is going to _kill_ me!"

"Personally, I'd be more worried about the _authoress_," the eyeglass-wearing advisor commented nonchalantly, seating himself in Az's empty chair- watching in amusement as she frantically gathered her things and raced off. "She can do terrible things to you if you get on her bad side. . ."

"Like turn you into a gender transcending bisexual moron who talks through dolls?" Joshua suggested innocently, quite put out that his date had been interrupted. Aion shook his head, unperturbed, while ordering a Bloody Mary.

"Nah, the anime already did that."

**x**

"Chrono. . ." Rosette whispered emotionlessly, eyes bloodshot and weak. "We have talked about Joshua, Magdalene, my parent's deaths, Sister Kate's many methods of punishing me, and have sprayed deodorant in my eyes. I CANNOT CRY ANY MORE."

The boy chortled lamely in fright, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. . . I guess so. . . Sorry about all that. I guess it was for naught, huh?"

". . ." She snapped upon him the most deadly gaze he'd ever seen.

That was his only warning. . . before she attacked relentlessly; scrubbing his head so hard with her knuckles that she left purple bruises in her wake. "AAAAAA!" he screamed, trying vainly to push her hands away. "Noooo, Rosette, please! Mercy!"

"I'M GOING TO _**KILL**_ YOU!" she roared, utterly frustrated, tired, and hungry. Her assaults, coincidentally, became increasingly more painful.

"Stoooooop!" Chrono sobbed, a single tear leaking down his cheek. . .

And falling to the sparkly floor with a 'splat'!

_**POOF!**_

". . ." Both the boy and girl paused in their wrestling match, looking up in surprise. A breathless, panting girl with long, pale hair floated above them- angelic wings hidden behind a pair of plastic fairy-style ones. Dressed in an overly poofy, bow-encrusted, glittery dress of fuchsia and lime (the kind one needs sunglasses and a barf-bag to look at), she clutched a wooden stick with a gaudy star on top.

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

"CHRONO! YOU LIAR!"

"Ro-Rosette, I didn't-! ACK! NO CHOKING! NO-_GAAAAH_!"

The pony, now working on a bottle of shampoo, hiccuped another bubble.

"Uh- um- hi?" the dazzling, unsure fairy greeted over the pair's caterwauling, beaming nervously. She hugged her wand to her chest. "Sorry I'm so late. . . I had a date. What can I do you for?"

Rosette momentarily ceased her beatings upon being addressed. "And who are _you_?" she asked, eyebrows knitting together. "You can't possibly be Azmaria- I know she has a **little** more fashion sense then _that_."

The younger female gave a double take, slightly hurt. "Hey now! Personally, Rosette, I don't know if either of _you_ should be talking. Besides, I didn't chose to wear this thing- it's the authoress's punishment for being so tardy."

"Doesn't seem like _that_ bad of a punishment to me," Chrono mused, massaging his abused neck; though the dress really was atrocious.

"Well, she mentioned something about needing some Az/Joshua fan service anyway, so. . ." Azmaria trailed off, cheeks pinking. Then she cleared her throat. "All the same, I'm finally here! Azmaria the Good Fairy, ready to grant your wish! Your wish which, I assume, has something to do with wanting to go home, Rosette?"

The princess started. "What? Why would I want to go back? Seems stupid- especially since my goal was to escape in the first place."

Az cocked her head. "That's a silly question. What kind of fairy tale ends with the princess still away from family?"

"A good one?"

("Rosette," the devil warned as he erected the non-AU parenthesizes again, "don't inflate the authoress's ego any more that you have to!"

"Oh- right!")

"Besides," the blonde added in afterthought, "what kind of fairy tale begins with 'and they lived happily ever after'?"

Chrono turned his head from girl to girl, as if watching a tennis rally. "Ooo, burn. . ."

"Okay, point for you. . ." the fairy wrinkled her nose when the pony burped. "But nonetheless, this fic will never end unless you get home. Which means, Rosette, for the sake of us all, you have to go back."

Silence fell, the two females staring at one another in an almost thoughtfully annoyed manner. Finally, the elder sighed.

"All right. . . So, how would I get home, then?"

"The same way you came!" Az sang, giggling in delight at the creativity of it all. "Only, you'll need to escape with Chrono, since now you're both sort of prisoner's here, and in order to escape from the tower, you need to defeat the Wicked Witch of Pornography!"

"AKA Satella. . ." Rosette grumbled.

"What? I thought Satella was a Jewel Witch!" Chrono argued, not at all liking where this fic was going. (The nun giggled. "All of the sudden that sounds so _wrong_. . .") Azmaria shrugged.

"She is. . . but what will all the pedophilia complaints and that magic mirror of hers, we decided to up her title. . ."

"Good Lord- **What _happened_ to this story**?" the boy began ranting, red in the face. "First it was just this _cute little parody_, but NOW-! NOW it's getting so- so raunchy! My GOD, if _Daisuke Moriyama_ could **only** see us, I don't think I-!"

Rosette and Azzy simply tuned him out.

"So if we defeat Satella and I go home, this story will end?"

"Yes!" the fairy nodded perkily.

The princess considered this. ". . . So- just out of curiosity- why can't we just, I dunno, crawl out the window and run away? Does this all really have to be so dramatic?"

"Yep! Crawling out the window would be too easy. And there's barely any plot to this as it is."

"Ahhhhh. . . Suddenly, it all makes sense."

Az grinned. "So, is that it, then? May I go?"

Rosette snorted, though she was smiling. "I guess so. Don't let Joshua get away with anything, you hear?"

"Okay!" the fairy clapped ecstatically. Turning on the flashlight located at the end of the stupid star, she gave her wand a wave; disappearing. . . as soon as the stagehands managed to find her pulley and yank her through the instantaneously-appearing hole in the ceiling. (Though why they needed to do this, what with her wings and all, no one could say.)

Chrono, upon realizing that no one was paying him any attention, shut up.

Silence fell once more, broken only by the pony's whines for more bath products.

". . . Rosette?" the prisoner suddenly spoke.

"Yeah?"

"Weren't we gonna ask her. . . to get us out of here?"

". . .

Dammit."

**xxxxxxx**

_For those of you who are wondering why there was no actual forth wall breakage this chapter and all that jazz (of which, I'm sure, many of you are (coughcough)), don't worry. We'll discover the characters' consequence for their naughty actions/words next chapter. XD_

_I hope you enjoyed! Please R&R! Ja ne!_


	7. One Year Later

_Disclaimer: (cowers) _

_Author's Note: I have no excuses. Really, I don't. I've just… been busy writing other things. I knew this fic was one chapter away from completion, but—I dunno. I just haven't had the willpower to finish. And for that, I am truly, deeply, and sincerely sorry. It's not fair of me to disappear like that… but I am an artist, and artists are fickle. Or so I'm told…_

Don't hate me…? (whimpers)

Either way, I hope you all are doing well! And that you forgive me… eh heh… please?

Enjoy:D

PS. WARNING: This chapter is rated M for SEXUAL INDUENDO/JOKES, LANGUAGE, and REALLY STUPID HUMOR. (I mean it.) You've been warned. 

**xxxxxxx**

A year.

It'd nearly been a freakin' year, and they were sick of it.

"Where the hell is she?!" Reader One yelled in vain at her computer. When the computer refused to give an acceptable answer, seeing as how it had no mouth, said reader keyed a similar message to a friend, only using more colorful language that is not appropriate for a fic of this rating.

_I dunno_, Reader One's friend replied—without any emoticons, to show their seriousness. _She keeps writing all of this crap for a mainstream show._

Each shuddered. MAINSTREAM. Evil, evil, evil…

_It's like she sold her soul to the devil, or something_, Reader One typed—completely missing the irony in this supposedly derogatory statement.

**X**

Elsewhere, in a forgotten tower full of soapy hair, Chrono sneezed.

"Getting' sick?" Rosette asked, voice raspy from lack of use. Almost a year's lack… why wasn't she dead yet? _Oh yeah…_ she remembered. _'Cause I'm an anime character. And apparently, in some way, related to those characters on DBZ…_ "Not surprising. You're still nearly naked."

Chrono shook his head, frowning. "No… I think I've just been insulted."

**X**

_Yeah!!!!!!!!!_ Reader Two agreed viciously, as shown by their blatant misuse of punctuation. _It suxs, too. I sorta miss her stuff. Kinda. 'Cept that one fic, that crazy, crack-induced one._

_Which one? You'll have to be more specific._

_Oh, you know the one I'm talking' about. That one where Rosette and Chrno_—

**X**

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of her not-so-very-well-hidden "castle" (coughtwostoryhousecough) on a hill, the authoress stiffened, sniffing the air. Her eyes narrowed predatorily. "…someone has spelt Chrono's name in the technically-correct-but-completely-impossible-to-pronounce-way!" she snarled.

Bolting upright, the authoress leapt from her computer chair and raised an action-packed finger. "Quick, Buyo! To the Bat Cave©®™!"

Her cat looked up at her, yawned—clearly bored—and went back to ignoring his primary caretaker.

The authoress sprang off anyway.

**X**

—_are stuck in a fairy tale-ish world. And she keeps trying to make those stupid puns and jokes about the fourth wall. Isn't the fourth wall TIME, anyway?  
_

_That's the fourth dimension. Either way, she was always a bit off her rocke— hey…_

Reader One's fingers slowed, an idea infecting her brain like E Coli infects Taco Bell.

**X**

On the other side of the continent, the convicted sex offender who Reader One was IMing— still under the impression that Reader Two was simply a very sheltered super model— arched an eyebrow. "What the hell is she going on about now?" he grumbled, growing bored with this. Much like a certain cat still oozing around a certain authoress's "castle" (coughtwostoryhousecough). "Fuck this. I'm getting back on that Inu-Yasha webpage."

**X**

But by that time, Reader One was already formulating an ingenious plan—a plan so great, so wonderful, so completely random that it would definitely end the authoress's pathetic excuse for a mistreated fanfic in one chapter.

"It's GENIUS!" Reader One screamed, shaking her plushies emphatically. "Not only do I get to inflict massive amounts of pain— I mean, FUN— upon my favorite manga characters, but I get to act as a convenient plot device for the lazy authoress, who is manipulating my actions through her keyboard! I have yet to realize that I'm not even a real person! This is all just the rambling of a sugar-high authoress, trying to save her own ass!"

She cackled madly; the plushies were shaken until they seemed to understand the beauty of the situation. It didn't take a lot of shaking—these were Chrono Crusade plushies, and, therefore, obviously smarter than, say, DBZ plushies. (Though the DBZ plushies had the amazing power of coming continually back to life, even after pet dogs had ripped their heads off. All while looking dangerously constipated…)

Once the mad cackling game was over, Reader One spun back to face her computer, realized that she was no longer being IMed, shrugged, and then began sending out a massive email of DOOM.

_To the readers of And They Lived Happily Ever After (if there are any left)_, it began—already displaying clear, impressive oration skills and a massive quantity of free time— _I have had an idea. An idea so amazing, that no one will see it coming, even though it was alluded to in a previous chapter. But it's been so long since anyone has read the previous chapters, you probably won't remember. That's okay—I still want you to work with me. If you do that, together—together, we shall—_

**X**

"RULE CANDYLAND WITH AN IRON FIST OF… UM… IRON!" Aion screeched, flicking at random tokens with mad spasms of joy. "TAKE THAT, KING KANDY! I RULE! I AM SUPERIOR! I AM… TALKING IN ALL CAPS AGAIN." 

The advisor/magician/priest/interior designer/secondary character deflated, understandably frustrated. "DAMMIT. WOULD SOMEBODY ALERT THE AUTHORESS? HELLO? ANYONE…?"

After a moment, Joshua poked his head inside the closet, batting away the cobwebs that clung to his horns. "Yeah? What is it?"

"THE CAP LOCKS KEY IS STUCK AGAIN," Aion explained, straightening his glasses. "PERHAPS YOU COULD TELL THE AUTHORESS…?"

"Would if I could," the apostle shrugged, looking mildly apologetic. "But I can't. I haven't seen her around. Or Chrono, or Rosette, for that matter. Though I suppose that makes sense… we won't be united until the end of the fic. Whenever that is." He glanced down at his watch. It was broken. His eye twitched as he grumbled, cursing under his breath. "At least, with the manga and anime over, we've got the time…"

"I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE ONE THING OUR SERIES DIDN'T HAVE?"

"What, literally or figuratively?"

They stared at each other, contemplating. Then, with well-timed shrugs, they returned to their previous engagements. Not that they were all that exciting.

"STILL STUCK IN CAP LOCKS…" Aion growled, twisting the sleeve of a leather jacket. "STILL IN THE CLOSET— _(insert hideously cliché yaoi joke here)_—… STILL WITHOUT THE NEW, IMPROVED, 2006-ADDITION OF CANDYLAND… BUT I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE," he admitted, drumming his fingers against his knee. "I COULD BE TALKING IN L33T. XP"

He blinked.

"… UH OH. O.O"

**X**

There was a rumbling in the brush.

…well, he wasn't so sure he would call it 'brush.' It really was a forest—a yellow wood. But regardless of its proper name, it really was rumbling. He communicated this to Rosette in the simplest way he knew how:

"I can no longer move my toes."

Rosette nodded glumly; both turned to watch the pony do something cute—like hiccup a bubble. Alas, it did nothing. It was too busy being dead.

It didn't really faze the pair anymore.

"This is ridiculous," Rosette snarled abruptly, blue eyes narrowing. "I HATE fanfiction. First we're pulled out of our own world and into a stupid AU, then we're forced to act and crack 'humorous' jokes, THEN we're ignored for a year, _THEN _we're expected to suddenly return to finish ONE MORE CHAPTER?"

"Well, we aren't happy yet," Chrono pointed out. "The authoress already said this story ends with a 'happily ever after.' She can't go back and change that now. Besides, it sounds like we may luck out soon. There are crazed fangirls scaling the tower walls as we speak."

Rosette stared at him, nonplussed. "…how do you know?"

"I can hear them squealing."

The girl paused; listened intently. From what seemed far away, a gaggle of girly voices were talking swiftly, interchanging languages and mispronouncing Japanese vocabulary. There could be no doubt. "Will they save us?" Rosette asked, sitting up as her eyes widened.

Chrono shrugged, too wary to be hopeful. "I don't know… this may be the first time fangirls have ever attempted a rescue mission. Usually it's the opposite."

The princess scowled, knowing this to be true. Many-a-times had she been forced to try and evade some manner of fangirl or boy… or save her friends from them. But given the choice between a neglectful authoress or a band of rabid teens who promised freedom…

…nah, she'd still choose the authoress. At least she wouldn't get her hair ripped out.

But it was clear that fate wasn't giving her a choice in the matter.

**X**

Meanwhile, back on the farm…

"Have you seen this girl…" Azmaria read aloud, chewing on her cereal as she scrutinized the milk carton. Her eyes narrowed; that certainly wasn't one of Rosette's best pictures. Then again, she was starting to suspect that it wasn't a real picture… unless Rosette had once been a stick figure.

Shrugging, the apostle girl put the milk carton away and began figuring out the crossword puzzle on the back of her Captain Crunch. "Let see… a three-letter word for 'white stuff.'"

A pause. Readers who have read lemons in the past groan in exasperation, rapidly clicking the "back" button; those who haven't or don't understand the joke glower, furious at the authoress for throwing in jokes that they don't get.

Az frowned. "Hey, Joshua," she called, poking her head into the living room of their quaint apartment. "Can you help me with this crossword…?"

**X**

With no warning—other than a screeched confession of love— the door exploded inward.

"Holy Hell!" Rosette and Chrono screamed as flying projectiles and chunks of wood showered down upon them, leaving bruises and cuts and plenty of potential lawsuits in their wake. "What the—?"

As the storm of door parts cleared, the pair looked up, horrified, into the faces of their rescuers:

The Readers.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ZOMFG!" Reader One yelped, her grin as wide as her face. "It's really YOU GUYS!"

The rest of the Readers reacted in a similar way, bouncing and squeaking and cooing and trying their best to molest Chrono via telepathy. Chrono whimpered; Rosette simply looked bewildered.

"Um…" She swallowed, inching over to shield her friend from the hungry gazes of the fangirls. And boys. And transvestites. "Thanks for busting down the door, I guess, but… uh… how the heck did you get here?"

"Easy," Reader Five scoffed, waving a hand. "The Fourth Wall. It's been shattered for the past two chapters. And with no one around to fix it, the hole has just gotten wider."

Chrono's eyes bugged out. "I thought the authoress sealed it up with duct tape…?"

Each Reader smirked, wielding a pair of very sharp looking scissors.

"…oh."

"Even still," Reader Nine continued, "most of the wall has crumbled. If you want, we can get you guys and the rest of the cast back through the hole. You can go home."

"Or come to my home!" a few readers in the background offered loudly. But, because they were all perverts and secondary characters with no names, they were ignored.

Rosette considered, weighing her options. "But what if the authoress finds out?" she inquired, brow creased with worries. "She'll kill us if she hears that we've left her story without permission. Or worse, she'll write more fanfiction! I mean, do you know what she could do to us NEXT time, if we disobey? There are potential me-on-Aion lemons to consider, and crack-fics! Not to mention dragging us back and forcing THIS fic to go on another 42,953 chapters."

Chrono nodded rapidly, gulping. "And I really don't want to have to make out with Azmaria. I mean, this authoress is bad, but we've been through worse…"

As one, the Readers straightened, gazes narrowing in distaste. "So, what, you're just gonna give up?" Reader One snapped, hands on her hips. "You're gonna let your fear control you? You're gonna let this authoress WIN? After all she's done to you? She left you and Rosette in a teeny tiny bathroom for a year, with no clothes on! Well, except your wet—ahem— boxers…" She paused— whipped out a Kleenex for her bleeding nose—then cleared her throat, moving on. "Er, where was I…? Oh, yeah, inspirational speech… right. Okay. No! No, Rosette, Chrono! We won't allow that! We won't let you suffer any longer! The truth shall set you free!"

"SO TRUE!"

Clutching their startled hearts, the group spun around— to find Remington standing behind them, grinning cheerfully.

"Hello!" the knight greeted, the poster boy for clueless blondes. Chrono gawked, clinging to Rosette. "I've returned for the princess of this tower! With a thesaurus and a ladder!" He flourished the little book with evident glee, proud of his present.

Rosette and Chrono blinked owlishly.

("That joke is SO first chapter…" Reader Four grumbled, hiding the thesaurus she'd brought along with her.)

Oblivious, Remington danced back to the window. Disco danced. "Well, let's go, then!" he cheered, gyrating his hips and shakin' his ass. "To the world beyond the fanfic!"

**X**

"If I had a ladder… I would ladder in the moooorning… I would ladder in the eeeeeevening… all over the land!"

"I think the word is 'hammer,' Joshua-sama," Fiore murmured, eyes half-lidded and focused on her knitting. Judging by the lengths of the sleeves, it was going to be a straightjacket.

Joshua considered this correction, tilting his head. The television beside him blew up. "Oh yeah…" he said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "That DOES make more sense… Ah well."

**X**

Money was a wonderful thing. It could buy food and water, fine clothes and a big house, and— despite what others had told her—Satella argued that it could, indeed, buy happiness. _After all_, she mused cheerfully, sipping on a flute of red wine, I _managed to buy my way out of the fanfic. So I'm happier than them!_

Cooing appreciatively over her drink, the Jewel Witch returned her efforts to pouring over her magic Clapper Mirror™, which—among other things (such as his bedroom)—showed Chrono's bathroom.

It was during said pouring that she realized something very odd.

There was nothing in Chrono's bathroom to pour over.

"What…?" Satella gaped, taken aback. "You mean they found a way to escape? This I've got to see!"

Clapping twice to deactivate her magic Clapper Mirror™, the Jewel Witch scampered off, searching for the Bat Cave©®™.

**X**

"TH1S I5 BAD. VRY VRY BAD…" Aion glared at the coats surrounding him. "… -N- ANNOYIN'. WHRE ISH THAT DAM AUTHO— WTF!!!1!one!!"

The l33t jargon was cut off with a roar of fury as, quite suddenly, a toy Bat Mobile fell from nothingness and smacked Aion's skull. This was followed by a sudden and very unexpected appearance of—

The authoress.

"Yo!" she greeted casually, brushing invisible dust from her clothes. "'Sup, Aion?"

Aion's eyes widened. "J00!" he screeched, pointing a clawed finger. "WHRE T3H FOOK HAVE J00 B33N—DAMIT! WTF CANT I SP33L???!!!one!"

"Because you're talking in l33t," the authoress explained calmly. "L33t people don't spell very well. Nut as well ass i du, aneeway." 

She blinked. Then shrugged. "Anyhow, sorry to burst in on you like this, but I had a bad feeling… like rabid readers were trying to set you guys free because I take too long to update." Frowning darkly, she shot the advisor/magician/priest/interior designer/secondary character a warning look. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Aion, dear?"

Aion began to open his mouth, then—thinking better of it—closed it again, shaking his head.

The authoress glared, unconvinced. "You're sure?," she pressed, her voice sugary-sweet. "Because I'd hate to see… THIS happen." With a wild snatch, she nabbed a plastic Candyland piece and stuffed it in her pocket. Aion's eyes grew wide in terror.

"NUUUUUUU!one!!1! T.T" he shrieked, desperately wringing his hands. "NOT CANDYLAND! DONT TUCH CANDYLAND! ITS MIN3 2 CONTROL! D:"

"Then tell me what's going on!" the authoress growled, retrieving the little blue token and waving it temptingly. "Where are they? Tell me where!"

Aion sniffled, whimpering as he reached for his toy. "…T3H T0W3R, M3H THINK5," he confessed, close to tears. The authoress scoffed, carelessly tossing the playing piece back to the pathetic-looking character. He gasped, catching it gingerly and clasping it to his heart. "-N- PPL THINK IM T3H BAD GUY!"

"Yeah, well, whateva," the authoress spat, irked. "Clearly I'm making MYSELF the bad guy to feel less guilty about never updating. So you get a break, yea for you." She huffed; her stomach growled. Her eyes narrowed, flicking in Aion's direction. "WELL?" she roared, livid. "GO MAKE ME SOME PIE, BITCH!"

"O.O" Aion leapt into action, scurrying out of the closet and towards the kitchen. "Y3S BABY!1one!"

**X**

Down, down, down, down…

"How did everyone fit into this tower in the first place?" Chrono wondered aloud, watching the nine dozen fangirls and boys scurry down the ladder. "What do you think, Ros— huh?"

Giving a start, the poor boy looked frantically around for the princess. "Rosette? Where are you?"

"Down here!"

"?" Shocked, Chrono glanced downward; bellow him, beside a pack of Readers, stood a waving Rosette. "How did you get down there so quickly?" he called, confused.

"I found a chute!"

"WHAAAAAT?" Chrono gaped, sounding very much like Sister Mary. "You mean this place has chutes AND ladders?"

Rosette nodded her agreement before adding: "And really _bad_ game-related puns…"

**X**

"So what's the plan?"

The small army of Readers and characters exchanged glances—first with each other, then with Chrono… who was still stuck up in his tower. He couldn't, after all, simply climb down the ladder: the weight of his hair would put gravity into overdrive. He couldn't find the chute, either; if he could have, he would have left a long time ago. Besides, that joke was already old…

"Well, why don't you hack off your braid?" Rosette suggested loudly, making snipping motions with her fingers. "It's not like you'll need it anymore, after this. Just cut it off!"

"What, like in the sixth manga?" Reader Three gasped, plainly disgusted. "No way! He loses, like, 500-cute-points if he does that!"

"And how cute will he look as roadkill?" Rosette retorted coldly, slapping her hands together in imitation of what Chrono and the ground's first (and last) meeting would result in.

"…okay, nevermind."

"Do it, Chrono! Cut your hair!" Rosette encouraged. "Pretend all of those dancing scissors from that stupid American Express Card commercial are jumpin' around your feet! And that your hair represents all of those non-American Express Cards! And that you need to feed the scissors or they'll snip your (CENSORED FOR CONTENT) off!"

Chrono blanched. "ROSETTE!" he squeaked, cheeks pinking. "This fic is rated PG-13!"

"Oh, yeah… sorry."

All the same, she had a point. Realizing this, Chrono did as he was told: grabbed a pair of the Readers' discarded, duct-tape-cuttin' scissors and began hacking away at the hair just above his wais—

_CLANG!_

"—!"

The scissors broke.

He stared blankly at the shattered clippers, at his barely frayed braid, then back again. Damn. "…didn't realize my hair was so thick," he breathed, surprised. But his surprise didn't last for long—it quickly melted into anger. Under his breath, he released a soft snarl: "Curse you, Head and Shoulders… Curse you AND your fortifying ingredients for thicker, stronger hair! CURSE YOU!"

This could take a while…

**X**

"There is an irony, of course, in all of this. Most fairytales take place in—what, three days? Of which the schedule looks something like this: day one, characters meet. Day two, they share all their deep-dark-secrets. Day three, they're screwing like bunnies." Joshua hesitated, thinking. "No, wait. I'm wrong. That's usually all done in three hours. So, in all seriousness, our year-plus-long adaptation is better for character development and plot."

"But this _has_ no plot," Azmaria pointed out, tracing the rim of her virgin margarita with a pinkie finger. "And we haven't DONE anything. I haven't even been forced into that stupid fairy costume. My part is over. _Your_ part was over in chapter one. Well, except for all of those cameos you make so that the authoress can drag out the horns-antenna joke."

"Mmmm." The male apostle took a small sip of his daiquiri, mulling over her words. "Yeah, you're right. But all I'm saying is that, ideally, the writers of real fairytales might wanna, you know, take a few notes on this. Make things a bit more realistic. Give Cinderella and Prince Charming a chance to get to first names _before_ first base."

"Cheers," Az smiled. "And amen to th—"

She paused, turning suddenly to the right. From their little booth in the corner of the bar, she could see the door… and the person standing in it. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Joshua," she whispered, flabbergasted. "Is that the… the authoress?"

With a snort of disbelief, Joshua looked over—only to have his jaw drop in shock.

Batting rainwater off the shoulders of her poncho, the authoress— while gnawing on the end of a piece of pie— gave the establishment a slow once-over, her eyes gradually settling on the apostles' table. She grinned, crooking a finger at the characters. "Come," she crooned. "I need you for my eeeeeevil plan." Her lips curled; they were stained red.

With pie filling.

Azmaria's face fell. "Dammit…" she grumbled, petite brow furrowing as she and Joshua instinctively stood. "And it's karaoke night, too!"

**X**

"Is it cut yet?"

"Hold on! Give me another scene!"

**X   
**

"Oo, yes! Yesyesyes!"

The three bodies twisted and turned, molding together and squirming as one. Hands reached, legs stretched, chests met, groans oozed.

"Oh God…" Azmaria moaned, arching her back. "But— how is this an evil plan…?"

The authoress smirked mischievously, eyes half lidded as her fingers brushed down Joshua's chest. "You'll see…"

"No— no, don't that— I can't take—!"

With a gasp and a grunt, Joshua collapsed: sweaty, pink, panting. Both girls' grinned.

"Yes!" they cheered, exchanging high-fives as they, too, relaxed, falling atop the Twister©®™ mat. "We win again!"

**X  
**

"All right, there was—"

"No, wait, sorry, I still need time…! One more scene should do it!"

**X**

And now it's time for Puppets with Aion!

"Hey kids!" Aion squealed, crouching behind a cardboard box. "The authoress promised to restore my regular speech-pattern for good if I entertain you while Chrono hacks off his hair! AND she won't (CENSORED FOR CONTENT) with my (CENSORED FOR CONTENT)! So let's have fun, shall we? WEEEEEEEEEE!"

From behind the box, he thrust three puppets. The first, as everyone already knew it would be, was— that's right!— a koala. The second was a little sock Chrono. The third was a little sock Rosette. How he managed to control all three puppets at a time was something nobody wanted to think about.

(The people who understood the crossword joke but didn't leave start clamoring for the "back" button.)

"Okay!" the Koala squeaked in Aion's voice. "Today's puppet show shall not only be entertaining, but educational! So let's discuss—WHERE BABIES COME FROM!"

(Cue audience applause.)

"All right. So, when two people—like these two people—love each other a whoooooooole lot, they decide to (CENSORED FOR CONTENT)! Like bunnies! Bunnies like to (CENSORED FOR CONTENT). That's why there are always so many god-damn baby bunnies eating away at my prized garden! They're like a freakin' plague!" The Koala trembled with rage. "But anyway… when two people love each other a whoooooooole lot, they want to have babies to fight over when they get divorced. So they first turn to each other and ask—very romantically— 'wanna shag?'"

From the sky, a loud cracking sound could be heard; little pieces of Candyland tokens began to rain.

"What? NOOOO!" The puppets writhed, clearly in anguish, atop the box. "No! I lied! They ask—very romantically— um, wanna have an orgy?"

There was a ripping sound that could only be described as: the sound of a child's board game being torn in two and weewee-ed on by rabid Scottish terriers.

"LISTEN, I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH THIS, OKAY? Er, I mean, they ask—very romantically— wanna have brats? And, for the sake of education, all things easy, and my plans for Sweet Domination, the girl says yes. Even though in real life, she'd try to get the man to do something romantic first, like fix the broken sink. Anyway, so then they strip off their clothes, like a streaker would. Or a prostitute. Or a high school cheerleader. Wait, that's the same thing… anyway, after the stripping, they hop in bed and—"

**  
X**

"All right, my hair is cut!" Chrono cried triumphantly, grasping the severed violet rope and wriggling it with joy. "To Locks of Love we go!"

_Public Service Announcement: Locks of Love is a wonderful corporation that takes donated hair and creates wigs out of it for cancer patients. It's a simple, painless way to help someone in need, so go on, be a hero: shave your head._

_  
Thank you. _

"Right on! Now climb down the damn ladder!" Reader Fourteen urged, looking impatient. "We can only drag this out for so long! Otherwise, the authoress might—"

"Might what?"

As one, the group gasped and turned to face the newcomer. ("We're doing a lot of gasping and turning," Reader Five pointed out, sounding somewhat bored. As punishment for breaking the mood, she was forced to read poorly written Az/Chrono fics.) "No!" Chrono squealed, having scuttled down the ladder so fast that no one even noticed him. (Mad ninja skillz, has he.) "Not you—! Not—

The Wicked Witch of Pornography!"

Satella scowled. "I wish you wouldn't call me that," she said tartly, crossing her arms over her chest. Well, _trying_ to… Irritated, the Jewel Witch glared furiously at her bosom, privately cursing the creators of the anime. "I quit that job. I'm just Satella now, and I'm ready to go home. Oh." She straightened, only just remembering something; she plucked Chrono's clothes from thin air.

"Woah!" Rosette gawked. "How did you do that?"

"Summoned it from a Plot Hole©®™," Satella shrugged. "Anyway, c'mon. Let's get going. You may have gotten out of the tower, but you won't be able to live Happily Ever After until you defeat the witch."

Everyone blinked. There was a moment full of silent drama. "But… wasn't that you?" Chrono questioned lightly, wincing when Satella snapped a glare on him.

"I told you, Chrono-baby," she drawled, fiddling with her summoning glove. "I quit that job. Besides, even if I hadn't, it wasn't MY fault, was it? In the long run, I mean. I wasn't the evil witch you had to defeat."

"But then," Rosette breathed, face pinched in confusion, "who is? Who's the bad guy? Who do we blame? Who's fault is all of this…?" 

Satella's expression fell flat; her eyes narrowed, dull and exasperated. "Guess."

Everyone stood there for a while… thinking hard…

It hurt.

**X**

"—nd after they finish doing the Hokey Pokey with the chipmunks, POOF!" Rosette Puppet and Chrono Puppet did little puppet dances. "Babies galore!"

**X**

"Wait, I've got it!" Reader One screamed, startling everyone out of their deep reserve. "The authoress, right? The authoress is the evil witch that needs defeating!"

Satella nodded with a grim smile; the Readers exchanged internet cookies and emoticons to show their approval of Reader One's brains. "And there's no time like the present," the Jewel witch continued. "Even as we speak, the authoress is growing stronger—she feeds off of readers' reviews and impatience! Flames do nothing to stop her! She simply starts writing yaoi!"

Remington and Chrono exchanged nervous glances. "We've got to stop her NOW," they agreed.

"Right," Rosette nodded, looking determined. "But how do we get to her? Where is she?"

"I don't know about where, but I _do_ know how to get to her!" Satella proclaimed, pointing to a rip in the air that was growing fast beside her. "Quick! Follow me through this Plot Hole©®™! It'll take us past all the boring plot development and witty banter and onto the final battle!"

**X**

**W  
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X**

"You DARE challenge ME? _ME_?" the authoress screeched, backing slowly away from the storm of literary characters and enraged Readers. Her back hit the wall; she paled, but held her stance. "I, who stole you from your world? I, who abandoned you for a year? I, who—wait, this isn't helping my case, is it?"

The Chrono Crusade cast glowered; the Readers bared their teeth.

"Look, fine, I'll end the story, okay?" the authoress grumbled, wriggling uncomfortably beneath the eyes of the mistreated. "This chapter. I promise. And I'll update my other stuff, too."

"When?" Reader Six demanded, wielding a threatening-looking mouse cursor.

"Ummm…" The authoress clucked her tongue, unsure. "Soon?"

Reader One glared. "NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

"…shit."

And so the authoress was chased off into the sunset by the furious Readers, all while screaming things like: "if you kill me, I can't update Double Trouble!" as hazardous-looking thesauruses were chucked at her like rocks. She was never to be heard from again.

…unless the Readers gave permission.

**X**

"Well, that was certainly a fun little misadventure."

Rosette quirked an eyebrow, casting Chrono a funny glance as they watched the mob vanish into the sunset. "…no, it wasn't."

Chrono shrugged in vague agreement. "No; no, it wasn't. But I'm trying to put a pleasant spin on things… look on the bright side. Spout BS like: one day, we'll look back on this and laugh. Lie through my teeth. All that jazz."

"Well… it's not ALL bad, I suppose," Rosette admitted grudgingly, scooting closer to the boy. "I mean, the Readers got to exact revenge upon the authoress… Joshie and Az got together and don't have to pay any cable bills… Satella got a bunch of money from the makers of the Clapper™ for advertising their product… Aion used his new, mad l33t skillz to hunt down and molest Internet sex offenders… the dead pony was turned into glue… you got a thesaurus… and I don't have to be a princess anymore. We all get to go back to Magdalene Order and return to our normal lives."

"Alls well that ends well," Chrono smiled.

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Shit, wait," Rosette straightened, coming to her senses. "Does this mean that the authoress-bitch gets her way? Her story ends the way she wanted it to? That despite it all, we get a Happily Ever After?"

Chrono gaped. "Crap, you're right—wait!" he called to the sunset, which was slowly turning the scene black. "We lied! We're miserable! We're not— oh screw it."

The sun set.

And they lived happily every after.

(Told ya.)

**x T3H END x**

xxxxxxx

_Well, guys, it's finally (and I do mean finally) over! I hope you all enjoyed and were NOT offended by the humor in this chapter… especially since most of it was directed towards me. Eh heh._

_Ah well. Thanks so much for sticking with this, and have an uber happy holidays! I love you all (even if I have a poor way of showing it, at times. T.T)! XD _

_Hugs, Kisses, and Moon-Lit Nights, _

_The au—er, I mean— Maiden of the Moon _


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